I wish I was brave.

crookedsmile's picture

It's just a word, but it has a meaning that goes deeper.
We're all supposed to be brave, boys more so than girls.
From a child, we're taught to face our problems (at least we should be),
and not to be scared of the dark.
Suck it up, it'll end soon.
You don't want to look like a pussy, do you?

I guess I'm brave in some ways, others not at all.
I'll protect myself, stand up for my friends.
Chase after muggers and bullies.
But in other ways?
I don't even know where to begin.
I lie every day, and it makes me sick.

My friend asked me a couple days ago, and it would've been so easy to tell him.
He wouldn't have been mad, he probably would've hugged me and thought it was cool.
But I couldn't.
I don't know why, maybe I'm scared of it getting around.
I mean, high school's tough enough, who wants to be known as gay?
Coming out of the closet seems so easy to everyone else.
Especially straights.
Telling people you're gay?
It only takes a second.
Big deal.

But it's not.
I think it's the most terrifying thing in the world to do.
I'll always look up to people who are out, especially ones who come out earlier than others.
It takes a lot of bravery, something I don't possess yet.
I don't like lying, but in a way it protects me.
Gays live tougher lives, no one can deny that.
If one person knew, how long before everyone else?

I'm planning on coming out when I'm in college, but who knows.
I might never tell my parents, something I'm not proud of but I'll live.
I don't think I'll ever be brave enough for that.


fall_so_hard_for_love's picture

i know

i know how you feel i went though the same thing. when i had my first girlfriend i made sure she didnt tell anyone i told her if she did it was over. i didnt want anyone to know not my mom or my friends i was scared that my life would be over. my family is really big on God and blieves that im going to be sent to hell no matter what. but i first came out to my best friend who is nine. she didnt understand but that was ok i just felt good that i told someone. then i started with my friends and if they are truly your friends then they will understand and would care. and if you tell them how you dont want things to get out then they would understand. you are brave to me because you got online and told your story thats a step. and you are true to yourself you are really brave.
Lust Is When You Love What You See. Love Is When You Lust For What's Inside