i didn't want to title another entry "..." so i gave it that title. haha. funny. or at least it would be if it weren't 1:23 am and if i didn't have the things one my mind that i do have on my mind.
basically, it's my sister. i used to understand her. now i don't. it scares me, cuz i think that if anyone should be able to understand her, it's me. i've known her longer than anyone except maybe mom and dad. and i have no clue what goes on inside her head. i'm sure what she tells me is just the tip of the iceberg. and i'm scared. both for her and of her. if that makes sense. and if it doesn't, fuck it cuz i'm tired of trying to explain my thoughts. all it does is get me confused and make others even more confused.
example, she doesn't do any of the things she used to love nearly as much. like playing with our dog (dd used to have this super-big connection with lucky, and now she treats lucky like she hates her), or riding her horse (half the time dd is offered a chance to go riding, she turns it down). i don't understand why, cuz whenever she's not doing those things she complains about how much she wishes she were doing them and how much mom and dad (supposedly) try to hinder her in doing them (even tho mom and dad go out of their way to give her oppurtunities).
another example, dd has this sort of summer fling. she's also treating him like she doesn't like him. he's said to his parents that he doesn't think she likes him anymore cuz she turns down so many of his offers to do things, and she won't talk on the phone or anything. and she does like him.
and then there's the weight thing. i'm definitly not one to talk (even tho i've been way better lately than i have in months), but it's not like her to be so obsessed about her weight and be so touchy about it. she's never been like that before, ever.
also, she's just not acting like herself. somethings... off. it's like she's...trying do depict a character in a play or something, instead of just being herself. it's hard to explain. it's like she's an actor trying to play the role of dd instead of being dd. which also doesn't make sense, but that's as close as i can come to it. she's acting close enough to herself to fool most people but something's off. something's not right. sometimes she'll say or do things that just aren't her. or rather, aren't the her i know and understand. i'm scared, cuz i know something's wrong but i don't know what it is and i don't know how wrong it is.
and when she does talk about things that happened, if i witnessed them,her version is usually so far from the truth (or at least the truth i percieve), it's scary... especially anything to do with mom and dad.
i'm so ... worried about her......... and scared.......
and then there's the whole problem of being caught in the middle, between dd and my parents. which i could (and have) written a whole entry on. i'm going to have to email shauna and tell her these things, if for no other reason than to ease my own consern. i really think shauna should have dd on weekly sessions, and dd should see all those people they wanted her to see when she got out of the iwk. psychiatrist, psychologist, nutritionist, dietician, etc etc. she's sick and getting sicker and i don't know what's wrong but i know that something is and if something isn't done soon she'll wind up back in the hospital again or worse. dd has something seriously wrong with her but because she doesn't talk to anyone about what's really going on nobody knows. i'm sure shauna suspects, but i don't know if she knows anything.
i hope when amanda (dd's friend from ontario) comes, she'll talk dd into seeing the people they wanted her to see. or at least talk her into talking to shauna honestly.
i talked to mom about dd today, and mom has many of the same worries that i do, but not as extreme cuz dd hasn't been talking to her or spending as much time with her as she spends with me.
dd needs help.
she needs help now.
dd isnt getting help.
if she doesn't get help something bad will happen.
i don't know what that is.
dd isn't acting like dd.
dd is sick.
dd is really sick.
dd is starting to scare me.
i'm scared for her.
i'm scared of her.
and after a good night's sleep, i'm going to write to shauna.