Anonymous's picture

Sure, I love my sisters. They're my family. It's a shock to me how much hate I feel towards them right now. They don't understand me. They've had their struggles, and I have mine. But they don't try to hear me out.

It started when I was only half awake. Katie came in, woke me up, and asked what I wanted for dinner. I woke up some more and came downstairs. She asked me if I knew yet what I wanted for dinner. I said "From where?" She gave me an attitude. Like I was supposed to remember everything she told me when I still pretty much asleep. She said "From the store. I told you that." I said "No you didn't," and yeah I probably should have just said something like 'oh yeah,' but I didn't. So she got all pissed off at me and started crying and locked herself in the bathroom. As usual. She's a mess (I'm not saying I'm not a mess myself, because I am..). I was still groggy and in a pretty bad mood because Katie flipped out over three little words that I said. I rolled my eyes and walked into the other room to get a book before I went back upstairs. On my way, I muttered "Bitch," and Alex was on the computer. She heard me and got all pissed off at me. I got my books and went upstairs. A few minutes later, Betsy came in and just layed down on my bed and cuddled up next to me, and started crying. Katie came in and asked her what was wrong. Betsy didn't answer. Katie said something about ignoring what Brian (Alex's ex. Who was over mowing the lawn and some other stuff, I think.) said. Katie left. I hugged Betsy and asked what was wrong. Brian had said something..later I found out he was lecturing Betsy because she had lost track of the time while she was playing a game. He said something like "You're a big girl now, you can get yourself to bed. There's no point in trying to tell Olivia that. She's an idiot who slams doors." Then Alex came upstairs and sat down at my desk. She started talking to Betsy, telling her that Katie was just having a hard time, and somehow Alex and I got into bickering about how "Katie shouldn't take everything out on me," "She doesn't take everything out on you, Olivia. Grow up," and it turned into a screaming match. After I really lost it and threw a container of colored pencils at her. She got up and got in my face. We were screaming and yelling at each other. And the whole time I just wanted to die, because poor Betsy was sitting right next to me. Finally Alex went downstairs. I apologized to Betsy (which I continued to do all night, and am still doing it now.) and called Mom at work. I told her that Betsy and I needed to get out of the house. I said I was going to hurt myself and a bunch of other stuff, while I was crying and alternately yelling at Alex, Katie and Brian as they each took turns calling up to Betsy. Mom told me to get Betsy and stay in my room, and just do something to keep busy and stay away from everyone. I told her I couldn't because everyone was coming in my room. I eventually hung up on her. Alex came back, we screamed at each other more. She told me I'm a fucked up bitch and I need help. She called me a bitch again and left, crying. I could hear everyone (including Brian who had/has absolutely no right to butt into our business in the first place) downstairs talking about how fucked up I am. I called Mom again. Brian ended up picking up the phone downstairs. We started bitching at each other. I got off the phone because Mom said she would hang up if I didn't. She was my only hope, so I did. She said she'd call my brother and have him come pick us up because he had her car. Well, he didn't want to come because Katie's boyfriend was here. I felt so alone, and trapped. I felt like a criminal. Everyone thought I was holding Betsy hostage or something. I was seriously considering cutting my wrists. Anything to feel better. I was thinking about using a thumb tac because that's basically all I have in my room to use. But I knew I couldn't. Betsy was there. I needed to do something, ANYTHING, to keep her calm. Not cut myself. I put on some music, quietly, and let her play my gameboy. I tried to work on my homework. I forced myself not to think about anything mostly because there was nothing I could do. I was stuck here in the house with a bunch of people who think I'm insane. Everyone decided to leave, only a little before 11 when Mom is supposed to get out of work (it's 11:30 now...she doesn't usually get out on time, though.). Finally, I was free. Kind of.

First of all, I HATE BRIAN. He got my cat high. My baby. My Maggaroo. Who, this past winter, was hit by a car. I practically worship my cats. No one, and I mean no one, touches my babies. It might be stupid to still hold grudges. But I really can't seem to let that one go. I'd hated him before that, because he's held a knife up in front of Betsy, threatening things. He's tried to scare the shit out of her by telling her our water's contaminated. And he was an asshole to my dog Darby. That's another grudge I will never be able to let go. She was God! Darby was the best dog, and always will be the best dog. She was getting old, and having a hard time moving around. And he wouldn't leave her alone. He'd get right in her face and keep bugging her until she'd get up and move. And as soon as she layed down somewhere, he'd do it again. Brian is an asshole. And every other vulgur name you could possibly think of, though I don't think there's one that really says how much of an asshole he is.

Second, Alex never ever EVER tries to hear me out. Even if she asks me what's wrong sometimes and I try to tell her, she'll interrupt me and tell me "oh, it's not like that". She's always going against me, it seems, and I can't understand it. Katie DOES take everything out on me. She has problems with her boyfriend, so she takes it out on me. The story of her boyfriend is something that will take me weeks to get through if I go into it. But if I ever try to talk to Alex about it, she tells me that Katie doesn't take it out on me. That I'm overreacting. And it always ends in "you fucked up bitch, you need fucking help."

Third, I felt like I had no escape. None. Dad moved to London, so who else can I call in the middle of the night to come pick me up right away? No one. I thought of calling Katharine's Mom but I knew that it was too late. She probably had to work in the morning which involves getting up at five in the morning. I had no right to bother her and make her lose sleep over this. I couldn't even depend on Mom. Mom, my hero. My role model. She said she couldn't leave work to come get me and Betsy out of the house. I can understand why she couldn't leave work, but this was a serious emergency. I had no way out. I had no one to talk to. And I was torturing Betsy the whole time. She had no where to go. She could have gone in her bedroom. And then what would she do? Sit alone and listen to all the screaming? I know how scary that is. But at the same time, I wonder if maybe it would've been better for her to be by herself for a while? She and I have a really special bond. I do everything I can to take care of her. I don't want her to grow up having as many problems as my siblings and I. And I definitly don't want her to grow up and get into screaming matches like this with people. I love Betsy. She's my little sister. She's one of my best friends. I feel a big responsibility to take care of her and make sure she's okay. I want the best for her. We left Dad because of all the fighting. But we also brought some of it with us. And I want her to be around it as little as possible. I just don't even know what to do anymore.

Everyone tells me how far I've come since Mom and Dad's divorce. If I've come so far, why do some things seem to have gotten worse? Sometimes I'll still snap and scream and yell like I did when I was younger. Like tonight. And it scares me. I'm not supposed to be like this. No one is. I just want to be normal. I don't want to fight like this. Especially not with my family. I feel like Katie and I have drifted so far apart, when I thought we had a good relationship. Same with Alex and I. I don't feel like I can talk to them anymore. It really bothers me. Because I love them. No matter what, they're still my sisters. My family. We're supposed to stick together and be there for each other no matter what. But it's all falling apart. And I'm falling apart with it.

And somehow, while all of this was going on, the thought of my crush popped into my mind. And I started crying even more. How the hell does the thought of my CRUSH show up in the middle of all of this?


niks121997's picture


I don't like Brian, and I have no clue who he is. Nobody should harm animals and tell you how fucked up you are. It's not his place to judge you.

Perhaps the reason your crush was showing up was because that was the only "good" thing in the whole entire ordeal.

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."