Lets play pretend; pretend you never said you were bisexual.

DestinationLost's picture

I dont know if this should be considered a rant or not. I'm sure at some point I'll start rattling off in angry verse about my invisibility in life despite the rainbow colours that cross my path. (haha ok. Maybe Im the only one laughing at that, but I thought myself clever there.) Right now, I think I'll just get things out.

I knew I liked girls and boys when I was 15. It took a while to own up to it, and even longer to admit it to anyone out loud. It was hard to explain that while I did have feelings and urges to be with the good looking shaggy haired guitar players, I also liked their emo sisters with long hair and dark eyes... Little by little I told my friends though, and like most had some good experiences and some bad. Some just couldn't understand, no matter how I tried to explain. (Which wasn't easy when I wasn't completely sure of how to word it, or if I should be telling them at all.) Nothing... Nothing compared to the fear I felt telling my mother though...

I dated the same girl off and on for two years- and then the same boy for a year. While I suspected my mother knew about my first girlfriend, and I knew she knew about my boyfriend- I also knew that telling her was a big step. Maybe because that meant I had to face it every day, and I had to stop hiding in my little world of pretend when I was with her. So I kept it a secret-until I started to date my second girlfriend. I knew I needed to share it with her, because my mom was my best friend for so long- It wasn't fair to keep it from her, right?

I walk to her room one night and sit down, feeling the tension cutting me like a plastic butter knife to the wrist of an angsting preteen- the pain slowly rubbing and building up until it actually broke the skin and let out the fresh blood. (Sorry. that was kinda graphic. And I used to cut, so it wasn't meant to be demeaning to anyone who has that problem- which if you do- please seek help. Please do not hurt yourself. It was just a description...) I was 18 years old and doubled over in tears before I even muttered my first word. They came spilling over my cheeks and I was coughing and choking-forgetting anything I had planned to say. Eventually I did manage to explain, as she held me and rocked me and told me she loved me.

It felt like everything would be okay...

Except then she said "Please dont say this unless you're sure. Once you say this, you cant ever take it back- and people you tell, wont forget. Thats what they'll see when they see you."

It hurt. It hurt because I wasn't ashamed of being bisexual or being misunderstood when someone didn't know what it meant... It hurt because I wanted HER to understand, and she clearly didn't. It hurt because, I just wanted her to tell me things would be okay no matter what. I know its not the harshest of words one could say to me, and I'm grateful that she was as understanding as she was- but it still felt like she was in a way asking me not to be sure. Maybe it was the tone of her voice, I can't really place my finger on it, but I know I wanted to run away...

And I did. I ended up nodding, hugging her, and then going and locking myself in my room and crying until I fell asleep.

But thats not even the point of the post... I guess I just had to get that out there before I started on what really hurts me. That way you understand what happened before, and that I did indeed tell my mother in a tiring, emotional state... that I was Bisexual with a capital B.

The point is... Now she ignores it. She ignores everything I said, and if I bring something up, slides the conversation in another direction. She had a gay nephew, and was accepting of him, but its different when its your own child... I guess.

Its been a year since I told her, and talking to her about it is hard... I want to- because I have a feeling I'll be leaving town within a year, and I want her to know me before I leave. I want her to know who I am, and being bisexual is a part of that... its not all of that, but it is still a part of me that I want support for. She supports my writing, my art, my dreams and goals- but when it comes to seeing no boundaries in finding love- she shuts me out.

I don't want to be ignored... And I don't know how to explain that without becoming an emotional wreck or making her face something she isn't ready for...

If anyones gotten this far- How do you know when to stop pressing the issue, and just let it be how it is?


niks121997's picture

Haven't gotten close

I haven't gotten close to that point so I have no real advice. I guess you could remind her in small ways so that she can slowly start to deal.

I thought that was clever as well. :)

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

StarLight's picture

I haven't gotten to that stag

I haven't gotten to that stage just yet...I had planned on telling my parents this summer, but chickened out. Now I hope to tell them when I go home this weekend. So, I guess the only adive I can give is that you just have to feel it out. Try and get to the root of it - do you honestly believe she may be okay with it someday? If yes, then keep giving small reminders that you are her daughter - that you're the same girl you have always been. She just knows you better. If not, then you may have to, heartbreakingly, let the issue die.

I hope it's the first one though.
Good luck

mexicanfruit's picture

i told my mom bout a month ag

i told my mom bout a month ago. i felt the same way you did when you told her. when i finally said it she asked how i could possibly know, and that she knows for a fact that i'm 100% woman. i cried myself to sleep and in the morning she acted like i had never told her anything. she's alright with my friends being gay but not with me. now she keeps on trying to force me to say that guys we see on tv are hott. but she warming up a bit, she bought me a huge poster of shakira half naked, she's my favorite.