Ex Girlfriends, Saying Goodbye, and Straight Girl Takes the Blame (a.k.a My life so far)

Brosia's picture

I suppose it's time for an update in the life of moi. I've been pretty busy lately, without actually doing anything. Does that make much sense? The home life sucks again, so I've been living with various friends. Living with men like my mom's boyfriend, is it any wonder I'm gay? Ugh. Anyway, I like staying with my crowd because it keeps me entertained. Lately I've been staying with the friend I wrote about last time. She has her own apartment, so we can pretty much do what we want. It's nice.

I talked to my dad a few days ago. His heath is failing a lot more quickly than previously thought. The doctors have given us the dreaded, "There's nothing more we can do". It doesn't suprise me, though. I mean, we knew this was coming. And actually, we expected it years ago. The hard part was talking about it. My dad's always joking about everything, so it messed with me pretty bad to have a serious talk with him. He wants me to come visit so we can get everything sorted out before he goes. I don't know how I'm going to afford it, but I'm going for sure. The problem is, he wants me to bring Sari. He knows we're not dating anymore, but he keeps hoping that will change. He loves her like a daughter. But we both know she can't come. There's no way her parents are going to let their precious daughter travel alone with an evil dyke like me. Coldhearted bastards. Dad really got to me, though. We talked about a lot of stuff that night, and he had me crying pretty bad. He had me making those "When I'm gone..." promises. God, those things are hard. But it really eased my mind. Because he said he was proud of me. I think that's really what every kid wants to hear.

Then there's the other thing on my mind. I'm having some problems with the ex. It's hard to say that, you know? Ex. But that's really all she is, now. I thought that once I got over the pain of the breakup, we could go back to being friends like before. Not the case. I don't know, it's like I'm her friend only when it's convenient. Coming from the girl I'd have given my life for, that hurts like hell. I mean, the only time I ever hear from her is when she needs someone to watch her cat or a ride to a concert. We have 2 such concerts coming up. I don't really want to go, because being around her is getting more and more painful. She wanted me to put our relationship behind me, so I did. It was hard, but I did it. She's the one who seems to be having a problem. It's like she's afraid to spend more than 5 minutes per month with me or something. I don't know why she's being like this, but I'm really starting to lose patience. She expects me to tailor fit my life to her terms, and I really didn't mind it before. But now I'm tired of waiting by the phone all night when my friends are out having fun, just because she told me she was going to call. It wouldn't be so bad, except she's not willing to make any sacrifices in return. Maybe I'm just being bitter, but I wish she'd make up her mind. Does she want me in her life, or doesn't she?

On a slightly less bitchy note, I have the best friends a person could ask for. My friend Amanda (the one I wrote about in "Not What They Used To Be") did a very heroic thing on my behalf. See, we were filling out college applications. She listed Gay Straight Alliance as something she'd be interested in joining. Well, her Mom somehow found out about this. She freaked, and started calling the guidance counselor. She spent about an hour on there asking, "Oh my God, is she gay?!" We were totally suprised about this whole ordeal, because we assumed everyone knew I was gay. I mean, the "I kiss girls" pin I always wear sort of gives it away. Anyway, she finally confronted Amanda about it. I wanted to just 'fess up because she was giving Amanda the third degree. But Amanda wouldn't let me, because her parents might forbid her from talking to me. So I sat by helplessly as my straight friend put up with the crap a lot of you have probably gone through. She got all the lectures, all the invasion of privacy, all the threats. Her mom finally got over it, but I don't think I ever will. It takes a serious friend to put up with that kind of shit on your behalf. I declared her my "honorary lesbian", and it's become one of the highest honors in our group of friends. They never fail to amaze me.


niks121997's picture

She's a keeper

It's friends like Amanda that make life bearable. There should be more individuals in the world; it'd be more peaceful that way.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex. I hope she figures out if she wants you in her life or not. Mixed signals are burdensome. That's about all I can say about that without sounding stupid. Or maybe I'm too late.

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."