I don't know who I can trust.

a restless heart's picture

may be triggering.
So I figure if I write here, none of you really know me so I don't have to worry about making a mistake or anything, right? Here goes.

this weekend was the worst of my life. or at least i say so now. at six o clock saturday i was planning on killing myself after everyone went to bed. i wanted to cut myself, and do it the long way, down the arm instead of across, because you lose more blood that way, I guess (i've never done it). then I just randomly decided to clean my room. I left the bedroom door open, I guess because I was afraid of what I'd do if I left it closed (that's where I did most of my cutting, in my room with the door closed and "do not disturb" sign on the door). so I cleaned my bed, organized my desk, rearranged all my clothes and everything in my closet and when I was done...I just didn't feel as angry anymore.
but then last night i couldn't sleep so i got up and went to the bathroom, taking my "tools" with me and I tried to cut down my arms but I didn't manage very well, so I did end up cutting across, three times on my right arm. And then I still couldn't sleep, so I stayed up all night, thinking about what it would be like at my funeral. I don't think that I'd ever manage to go throug with killing myself, but right now I don't really want to live. I mean, I know I have reasons, like my family and Josh and Friendas, all of whom I love very much, but I just...don't know why I have to live. I mean, I don't think my futures going to be very exciting, because I have to go to college, get my friggen license, and maybe marry have kids whatever. ad alsways be hiding myself, lyring to everyone about everything in my life and I just...I don't have anyone that I can just tell everything to without being judged or having them tell my mom/guidance counselor, etc. UGH!

Comments

ilovepwin's picture

maybe ur just not ready to te

maybe ur just not ready to tell ur mum or counsellor just yet or anyone that might tell them. r u scared of the way they will react? becoz it is understandable if u r. maybe posting here will make u feel a little better. becoz u can trust everyone here, no one will judge u or laugh at u or look at u like ur crazy. everyone here will just want to listen to what u have to say and be here for u. its not completely unnatural to have those kinds of thoughts and feelings that u were having. did something happen to mke u feel like that? or was it just sort of there?well thats probably a lot for u to take in atm, so i will quit babbling now, lol. remember to post here to get ur feelings out if u want to, becoz n one here will tell anyone or judge u in any way.

FlyflewAway's picture

seems like u needa friend

sometimes where just not ready to come out yet so don't feel so bad or pressured, the mystery of life is what some people live for its like when you are done with the quest of knowledge you stay so u can be with the ones u love. Plus quit cutting urself it isn't helping at all your still gonna be in the same situation after the feeling is gone. Just keep your head up

Your my sunshine after the rain
`to bad its still rainin babe.
--A kidd