may be triggering.
So I figure if I write here, none of you really know me so I don't have to worry about making a mistake or anything, right? Here goes.
this weekend was the worst of my life. or at least i say so now. at six o clock saturday i was planning on killing myself after everyone went to bed. i wanted to cut myself, and do it the long way, down the arm instead of across, because you lose more blood that way, I guess (i've never done it). then I just randomly decided to clean my room. I left the bedroom door open, I guess because I was afraid of what I'd do if I left it closed (that's where I did most of my cutting, in my room with the door closed and "do not disturb" sign on the door). so I cleaned my bed, organized my desk, rearranged all my clothes and everything in my closet and when I was done...I just didn't feel as angry anymore.
but then last night i couldn't sleep so i got up and went to the bathroom, taking my "tools" with me and I tried to cut down my arms but I didn't manage very well, so I did end up cutting across, three times on my right arm. And then I still couldn't sleep, so I stayed up all night, thinking about what it would be like at my funeral. I don't think that I'd ever manage to go throug with killing myself, but right now I don't really want to live. I mean, I know I have reasons, like my family and Josh and Friendas, all of whom I love very much, but I just...don't know why I have to live. I mean, I don't think my futures going to be very exciting, because I have to go to college, get my friggen license, and maybe marry have kids whatever. ad alsways be hiding myself, lyring to everyone about everything in my life and I just...I don't have anyone that I can just tell everything to without being judged or having them tell my mom/guidance counselor, etc. UGH!