i wish i could commit...but monogamy's overrated

Tjedza's picture

i dont know whether to feel guilty or just plain evil and accept my situation.

NB i am female.

a year and a half ago, I hooked up with this girl-Na - ( she is as hot as it gets), tho i was kinda crazy about her- within a week... i started cheating on her with all these guys,and she found out.

we worked things out and continued going out.
i was then faithful only for another week and it started again- this time i had made sure that she would never find out from any of her friends etc... i played her out very well.

then after about 2 months, i met this guy, Bradley, he was so sexy and so pretty, there was no way on God's loving earth i could have let him walk on by- so, i hooked up with him as my boyfriend- while Na was still my chick.

Time management was never my forte so it got really difficult having the two of them all at once.

so i made a decision- i left her for him.
I had thought that he was potentially the love of my life, but in reality i only dated him for about a month, and then i fell for his friend, marcus- hmmm he was nice, basketball player, caramel skin, corn rows so hot on him, amazing eyes- yup he was the one, i thought to myself.

so I left bradley, & dated Marcus for a while. Now while i was dating Marcus, i heard that Na had started dating some clown -Jerry. i dont know what it was that drove me crazy about the idea of her dating a guy but it definitely got me going to the point where -after months of me not even doing so much as looking at her- i told her i was single ( i was still seeing Marcus)i started calling her, visiting her, calling her some more, messaging her- doing everything in my power to make her fall for me again....
and me being the P.I.M.P i am- she did.

so we started dating again, while on the other side of the spectrum i then i left Marcus ( he started saying things like- " future"... " i want to be with you forever" ... " imagine if we go to college together" - that was enough to scare me off)
i left him for his friend kevin.

i dated Na for another week after i left marcus, and then i got bored with our relationship, so i told her i was playing her out again and she left me.

i was now with Kevin only for about another 2 weeks and i started feeling claustrophobic so i cheated on him with Z, evans, KC... i think that was it.

i decided then that the hassle of relationships etc was too much for me so i was single for about 4 days- and then i missed Marcus, I missed Bradley, but above all- i missed Na...

so i called her up again, she kinda hated me etc, but after about a week of talking to her- telling her how she was the one, my soulmate, my best friend, i cant live without you...blah blah blah...
we started dating again and she left the guy she was with.

which brings us to the present-

i have been faithful to Na for about 3 wks now but then i met John.

he's not like the other guys- he has personality. i love Na and i would never do anything to fuck up what we got now, coz i have a feeling this is my last chance.

But i like John, he makes me laugh, he's fun and i just can't not Have HIM! i tell each one of them that they are the only ones... but i have to have both. i know for a fact that i won't cheat on them, because being a player was becoming to stressful etc- this is my version of settling down i guess

maybe i'm being selfish- maybe i'm being unfair
...
but i need this.

i got a feeling in my stomach and i dont know what it is, i cant eat because of it- i cant sleep, just thinking about na and John- i love them.

Comments

Darkest Dream's picture

Look

love is wanting to be with one person, if you are, have will cheat, on this person, then you never ever felt fucking love. I'm sorry but i don't know what you're doing with your life, but i seriously pity this Na, coz she would deserve way more than a girl who cheats, coz htinking about another peson is cheating. geez. What is that, an orgy?

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Tjedza's picture

wow- okay- dont be mean n

wow- okay- dont be mean now- i get enough negativity from e world as it is.

besides who are you to define love and what form it must take??
i love her with a lot of my heart ( cant say all) - & its not cheating- its seizing the moment... its like
having my cake and not only eating it too, but having a slice of apple crumble to compliment the dessert, you dig?

in the same situation anyone with foresight and even just half a brain would at least contemplate e idea

"so long as one presents a fine face in church, what matters it that ones soul rots from within?"

milly the fairy's picture

not really....

When I was with my girlf, I never thought about cheating OR seizing the moment OR dumping her for some other guy.

Maybe you should spend time apart, before you seriously break her heart.

I'll always be.... yours fatally....

jdub's picture

i agree with darkest dream

that is one screwed up vision of love. if you really loved someone, you would be able to control your urges. it's like you're saying "i love you but i'm going to go fuck everyone and anyone i feel remotely attracted to, so there" that's just messed up

Tjedza's picture

its not that simple... dont

its not that simple...
dont get me wrong, it didnt plan on ending up in such a situation,and i realise that i could either hurt Na real bad (by telling her etc) or i could still LATER hurt her real bad ( if she finds out some other way)
- but i would let her go if i didnt need her and if she didnt need me...

i only met john about 3wks ago or so.. but Na's my number one.

maybe i'm being selfish...
but i cant let her go

so long as one presents a fine face in church, what matters it that ones soul rots from within?

L0ne Guardian's picture

I agree with D.D.

If you're not gonna contorl your urges, save Na some pain and let her go. And question, did you meet this John guy recently? Then how do you know you've got something with him and not with Na, who has stayed with you after you've cheated on her many times?

"How do you do it?
Make me feel like I do.
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew..."

-Incubus

Tjedza's picture

"If you're not gonna contorl

"If you're not gonna contorl your urges.."

DAmn you ple make like I'm an animal!- i can control any "urge" whensoever i like- i jst believe in living in the moment

so long as one presents a fine face in church, what matters it that ones soul rots from within?