Female, & loving a female teacher.

groove_04's picture

Approx. 2 years ago a female teacher came to teach us maths. I didn't notice her that much coz' maths wasnt my favourite subject. but then she started becoming friendly with me - being diplomatic& all as any kind teacher would do. that was when i noticed that she was a very beautiful person, not only outwardly, but inwardly, too cos' she was warm & nice, esp. to her students.
i was in the art class (as opposed to science) and we in the art class were pretty weak in math.

day by day, she'd help us with the subject. one day, at the beginning, i was sitiing in class during recess & was furiously finishing my arabic homework when she came in & asked me what i was doing. this was when i first realised that she was a pretty woman, indeed & i was entertained by what i saw as a 'flirty & fun' action on her part when she asked smilingly what i was doing. i liked her. it may have not been 'flirty & fun' as i perceived but it took me off the seat for awhile to see an adult being 'lark-ish' cos' all my life i've been in a situation where
the adults are very reserved and aloof.

we began to talk to each other. we became good friends, actually... we'd open up to each other a lot about stuff. day by day she'd help us art students with our math. every student in our grade, who's been taught by her, likes her very much ... the art students even more so. we'd sit in a room & have a nice time doing our math(something that we weren't able to enjoy before).

in the course of that 2 years or so my fellow classmates & the teacher had a few 'bonding-sessions'
where we would just eat & have a nice time.

i graduated this year in june with everybody else. i do keep in contact with my teacher.
about 2 months ago, i called her up coz' we hadnt seen each other for quite some time & it suprised me
that we could also extend our conversation on the phone. we talked about more than an hour or so. she then
invited me for lunch which i went with a girlfriend. we had a nice time

the thing here is, i have a crush on her. ppl say crushes fade, but it's been 2 years now
...even though i have to say that my feelings for her in the first few phases were more intense. i
felt a great longing for her & couldnt stand it when i hadn't seen for a few days. everyday
i longed to see her & with my enthusiasm to go to her class, my grade in math improved. and did i mention that
at times i would get self-conscious? but its not that bad when we start to go in the groove of things and talk.

my feelings are no longer as intense as before, but it's still there, ya know? i cant really quite clarify my feelings exactly and see what they are actually. one one side, it's craving for maternal love, i guess ..
cos i dont get affection from my mother & am always longing for a mother-figure.

my math teacher was the first adult that i could really talk to. we'd have a nice time talking about everything & i know that she likes to talk to me.

then there's this other part - if its such an innocent craving of maternal love, why is it that i long for her at times? i have a few separate relationships with female adults & yeah i enjoy their presence & all, but i've never longed for them like i long for HER. i know i have a crush on her, but this crush has been for quite a time, i must say ...

and i also long for some physical intimacy such as holding hands & hugging. when other people hug me, i feel nice. but when she hugged me, like that one time before the start of the big exam, i felt so wonderful & was silent for a moment.

one time in class, we art students were sitting on the floor doing our math. there was a low cofeetable and i sat on one side while my teacher sat on the opposite side, and that was when admist all, i noticed the shape of her breasts & i felt a great longing to touch it (which of course i didnt) .. it striked me as so beautiful, those bossoms ...

let me tell you that i've felt the need to attach myself to other females before ... i am
17 & this is not a new thing, but NEVER this intense, never with such longing, and NEVER accompanied
by physical attraction, too. i sometimes imagine us making love.

what is it? i've had crushes on boys but it was never more than a lark, a light-hearted thing which i
could easily shrug off.

i am confused. could u please tell me what u think my teacher's feelings on me? maybe she sees this as just an innocent warm relationship - we are very close. she is not young, being in her early forties, but she
is beautiful still, and a very beautiful person on the inside. she's very young at heart.

and could u tell me what my feelings for her are exactly?
what is this thing actually? a heteresoxual attachment that borders on homosexuality ... or what??

Agarwaen's picture

Um...well I've had a couple o

Um...well I've had a couple of crushes on female teachers also, but never for very long, they were always the faint passing kind. Never one as involved as yours, I guess. But if she's in her forties... I seriously doubt that if she did happen to feel for you "in that way" she still wouldn't act on it, because she's your school teacher and so many years apart. Sounds like you're agonizing over it though.

"Je frissonne de peur quand tu me dit 'mon ange'... et cependent je sens ma bouche aller vers toi." ~ Baudelaire

Paladin's picture

I agree with what agarwaen sa

I agree with what agarwaen said. I don't think it's very likely that she will want to see something develop beyond a friendship, at most. I would guess that you're not out to anyone, given that it says on you're profile that you're in KL. This may be love or lust, but either way, I don't really see much chance of you continuing anything here, given that lesbianism is illegal (20 years jail), unheard of and frowned upon. Think about who you are. If you come to the conclusion that you are a lesbian, or bisexual, then I would recommend packing up and moving to a more tolerant country. You will never be able to live securely if you do pursue something with someone of the same sex, and never be able to live fully if you don't. For the same reason, I'm leaving Malaysia.

Dave

groove_04's picture

yes, its frowned in society b

yes, its frowned in society but 20 years imprisonment? i dont think so .... anyways, yes there's a 99 percent chance she has no feeling toward me whatsoever ... but i like to entertain the fantasy, though

Paladin's picture

Yes, 20 years with whipping

"Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to 20 years and shall also be liable to fine or whipping" - http://www.sodomylaws.org/world/malaysia/malaysia.htm

Well, it's a little vague on lesbianism, but if lesbians here were more visible, I don't doubt that they wouldn't hesitate to interpret it as including lesbianism if the situation arose.

Dave

Jules.'s picture

What the fuc^ planet are you

What the fuc^ planet are you from, get out from underneath that rock and join society, we are in 2007 not. Catch up and find out about what is going on in today's world, lesbianism is not illegal, just narrow minded people or homophobic people cannot understand that it is God will that we are like this, it may be his way of taming the reproductive rates or maybe his way of trying to get more women to join the nunery, but for HIS sake please, read up on life and what it really means to be a lesbain. We do not CHOOSE to be like this, it is in out "genes"/ and we cannot change no matter what...any questions, just ask me.

Jules.

kurenaitsunade's picture

feel the same way about my teacher

can you tell what you did with your teacher in the end. or can anyone tell me what to do because i love my teacher and i dont want to hurt her so what should i do. please help. i am only 15