it is(was) my party and I'll cry if I want to

a restless heart's picture

Yep. Yesterday was my birthday. So I'm seventeen! Yay! My boyfriend came over after school...*grin*. First was playing cards and hanging out, then mom got the Chinese (we always have Chinese for my b-day cuz its my fave). Then we ate and had cake & ice cream. Then presents. From mom & dad I got the league of extraordinary gentlemen on DVD. From my grandparents I got a book of Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories. A froggy (my fave animal) candle holder thing from an aunt. And the coolest hat from my bro. When I can find the digicam I'll take a pic. Correction, when I find the batteries for the cam I'll take a pic. But anywho. A few days ago I wrote a letter to my boyfriend, but I didn't give it to him. I'm not sure if I should. I'll copy it here and ask for your advice. p.s. names have been changed.
I think I mentioned this to you before but I can't remember. And I think that I lied a little bit. I'm afraid to say this, though...even though I should feel comfortable telling you things. But...I don't know.
What I wanted to tell you is this:
I cut myself. In my freshman year I was wcked depressed and suicidal. I got put on Zoloft, which I hate because it makes me into an emotionless zombie. I tried to kill myself twice (while on the Zoloft!) but my mom/doctor/guidance counselor only know about the first time. They said that if I tried it again I'd be put in a mental hospital. Like in Girl, Interrupted.
Sophomore year was great, mostly. I figured out who my real friends were, and I met you. Did I ever tell you that I've had a crush on you since Sept. 2003? Well, I have.
There was something else that I was struggling with at that time, which was my sexuality. There were things that happened in my past that led me to believe that I was attracted to girls, as well as boys, sexually. To tell you the truth, I even had a crush on Pisces at one point.
Right now, though, I don't know what I am, so I just use the term "curious." But you're the only one I want to be with! I trust you more than anyone so that's why I want to tell you this.
Currently (recently) I've been having thoughts about death. I've been taking my medicine, but I still feel like I want to die, or be dead, or something. I'm afraid to lose what I've worked so hard to gain. And part of me wants to be in control of my death, to know when and how it will happen.
I've cut myself in the past two weeks, although only small cuts, once or twice on my left arm. I don't know what else to do, because I don't want to go to a hospital, or anywhere. Thanks for listening, though.



FallenMoon's picture

Wow, I think you should give it to him.

He loves you right? So he should know. Who knows, he might be able to help you through this. Not telling him seems almost like telling a lie. I think it is important to tell him.

"You haven't come to terms what it means to be a lesbian." -Cece Goddard from Keeping You a Secret