more confusion

extreme447's picture

i had sex with a guy last month. i can't say that it was a horrible experience. he was good. experienced i guess you could say. he is a couple of years my senior. there were a few reasons that i went through with it. i guess the first, and most important, was that i needed to know, beyond a doubt, that i would never be attracted to guys. although i had gone relatively far with guys before, i had never reached sex. i was drunk. that wasn't a factor so much in the deciding to have sex, but it was a major factor in my ability to go through with it. i wouldn't say that i regret the act of sex, because i don't. it not only helped clear up some confusion in my head, but also removed me from virgin status. i was sick and tired of people assuming things just because i was a fucking virgin. this was not by choice. i Wanted sex. it just never ended up working until one night at a party last month. i guess i'm content now you could say cause i felt nothing. there was no connection. it was just sex. i could have been masturbating and gotten a better orgasm. wow this was a pretty extensive ramble. o well. this writing thing tends to help me sort out all of the confusing, and sometimes conflicting, thoughts within my head. alright well basically, i have come to the conclusion once again that i am a lesbian. every time i attempt some sort of sexual encounter, i always come to the same damn conclusion. and i tell myself that i am totally fine with being a lesbian, but obviously i am not. o well. i need a relationship. that will help i am assuming. eh. i need vacation.

Comments

Lady with a tiara's picture

Although i can't relate to yo

Although i can't relate to you on the sex thing, i can relate to your last comment about needing a relationship. Sometimes i think that a relationship would help me to sort everything out. If i had a girlfriend, then maybe i could come out to people, maybe i could just feel more secure with my feelings. It feels like everything would just be there if i was in a relationship with a girl. I would love her, she would love me...that would be it. There wouldn't be all these questions rattling around in my head anymore. There might be new questions, but at least i would have some kind of idea as to who i was and what i was doing when it comes to my sexualtiy. Yeah, it seems that way...

*reluctant heroine
stand tall with your crown
the grey clouds are coming
and rain is pouring down*

extreme447's picture

the funny thing is

I have already come out to people. That is the sad, ironic fact. I came out as a lesbian quite awhile ago. But then I go and get with one guy over the summer, and then fuck some guy that I barely know at some party. No wonder there were those who did not take my proclamation as a lesbian seriously. I really need to bite the bullet and accept the fact that I am indeed a lesbian. Damn this is complicated.

Army_your_green's picture

My sister pulls that one on m

My sister pulls that one on me too. Because i haven't been in a relationship with a girl, and she has seen me fool around with a few...and i mean two...guys, she tries to say i am really straight. But you just have to remember that that is an excuse. They are in denile. The thoughts in your head are just as much proof.

~If we were all the same, life would be boring

RoaG's picture

Honestly, I feel like looking

Honestly, I feel like looking for part of yourself in someone else can only lead to trouble. Figuring your sexuality out is difficult and experimenting with dating is also a way to learn about yourself, but I think it's important not to get in the trap of thinking, "Well, if I just have someone than x, y, and z will be solved." Because other people can't tell you who you are or how you feel, only you can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ramblings of a Girl