I really hate my brain sometimes. It tells me I'm gay. It's been telling me that for quite some time now, and that's fine with me. It's fine with everyone I know. It's a role I quite enjoy. I'm this hick town's resident gay girl. So why do I have a boy on my mind?
It started a few days ago. Things between me and my Heart-ache (better known as my ex, Sari) have been rough. I'm fine with the fact that our relationship is over. I guess I'm actually glad, in a way. I took it hard at the time, but she just wanted to be friends. So I put everything I had into making our friendship what it used to be. For awhile it looked like things were going to be ok. But then she started blowing me off. I'm still not allowed to call her house, so our talking relies on her picking up the phone and dialing my number. She hasn't done it much lately. We still talk on the computer all the time, but she tends to get easily distracted. She's doing a very good job of cutting me out of her life. She comes to me with her problems, but doesn't hear a word of mine. I've become (or maybe always have been) a friend of convenience. She's been my best friend for nearly 10 years now, and I don't want to lose her. But I can't take this anymore. It's really taking it's toll on me. Every time I talk to her, I just feel like crying. This is the girl I once planned to marry, and she can't even spare 5 minutes to ease my mind. We had our first ever fight. Well, I'm not sure if it could even count as a fight. It was just me using tones and her ignoring everything I had to say. But it was more hostile than we've ever been with each other. I felt like shit afterwards. But the basic gist of it was that without an effort on both our parts, this friendship isn't going to last much longer. Considering we can't really hang out or do anything together, communication is all we have going for us. She's not willing to communicate or take a stand, and I'm not willing to sit around for another few years (which is actually how long she planned to take) waiting for her to decide she has a mind of her own. And neither of us are willing to change our mind. We have a concert comming up together, which I'm viewing as a last big bash together. Then I guess she goes her way and I go mine.
This is where the confusion comes in. See, I've been feeling totally lost and lonely. I thought about calling up one of the girls, but they just didn't seem to be who I needed. I wanted to call my friend Justin. Well, I didn't just want to call him. I wanted to be with him. Nothing too unusual there. He's one of the few people who know how to calm me down when I'm feeling this bad. We're always joking with people that he's a bigger lesbian than I am. And sadly, it's kind of true. If such a thing as gaydar exists, he has the best case of it ever. Every woman he's ever dated/liked has turned out to be gay. He listens to all your stereotypical lesbian music. He thinks like a woman. He relates to women. It's really hard to explain. He just comes across as more of a gay girl than a straight guy. Sometimes I wonder if he's trans, but for now we're going with "lesbian identified male".
I knew he worked late, so I didn't bother calling. But I just kept wishing he were here with me. I just wanted to lay in his arms for awhile and have him tell me everything would be ok. My group of friends is really touchy-feely. That sort of thing is normal for us. I've slept (meaning just that, slept) with my friends countless times. I've slept with their boyfriends and girlfriends. I guess cuddling is just something we don't make a big deal of. So it's not odd at all that I'd want him to hold me when I'm feeling like this.
What is odd is the way my mind started to work. For some reason I pictured us going on a date. Watching movies late at night and falling asleep in his arms. We go to movies and dinner together all the time. I don't know how many times I've dozed off curled up in bed with him. But it seemed different when I thought about it this time. Like there was something more to it. And I've been feeling like this for days.
My rational (and slightly heterophobic) mind tells me that I'm just making the jump because he's one of my best friends and I do all the things with him that I used to do with her. It tells me it's because my friendship/relationship borders are so blurred. It tells me I'm drawn to him because he's safe and secure and loves me. It points out that none of my fantasies of him involve making out, sex, or any other strictly relationship actions. It warns me to be careful, or I'll end up doing to him what she did to me. Most of all, it reminds me that I like girls.
But on the flipside of the coin, I don't consider gender all that important. Well, ok. I do. But in the psychological sense. I can honestly say appearances don't matter to me. Sure, I'll look at someone who's attractive. But a pretty face isn't enough to make me want to go out with them. It's usually not enough to even make me want to get to know them. The reason I like girls is because of the way their minds work. I can find anyone beautiful, if they've successfully seduced my mind. I've just never met a guy who could do that. I never looked at a man when I was with her. But really, I didn't look at too many women either. I'm so monogomous it isn't even funny. I loved that woman and only that woman. So I assumed I loved women and only women. But now that I'm not with her, I'm not so sure. It especially doesn't help that he's so sexually ambiguous. I see him as a guy, but I see him as a lesbian. Does that make any sense? Maybe I should just stop trying to see him as guy or girl, gay or straight. Maybe I should just look at him as Justin.
Could I fall in love with Justin? I think I may already have without realizing it. Could I ever admit this? It's hard to say. I really don't want to lead anyone on or break their heart like Sari did to me. Could I ever get into a relationship with Justin? What about when things get physical? Here's where the problem comes up. As open minded as I try to be, Justin still has the male anatomy. And that makes me uncomfortable. Justin knows this, and admittedly doesn't care for it much either. Once again, I'm thinking my dear friend is trans. But it's not my place to say. (On a random note, it's very hard to write about someone without using any masculine or feminine pronouns. Try it some time.)
To tell you the truth, I'm afraid I might be bi. Don't misunderstand, there's nothing wrong with being bi. It's just not how I see myself. I don't really see myself as much of anything. I'm Ambrosia. I fall in love, just like anyone else. No labels needed. But people have decided to stick me with the gay identity, and I consider it an honor. I've embraced it whole-heartedly, and now I'm afraid of letting go. It's become a serious part of me. Labels don't mean much, but this is something more to me. It's a part of my identity. I'm the local gay role model. I personally believe sexuality is just fluid, but I'm worried about what people would think. How funny is that? I'm worried that people would think if I, a girl, decided to date a boy. I'm so weird sometimes.
But all this rambling aside (sorry, people) my biggest fear is that I'll hurt our friendship. I feel like a major screwup right now, and losing Justin would be more than I could take. Maybe I should just let this stew in my brain for awhile before taking any action. I just needed to get all of this out. I have plenty of people who'd be willing to listen, but I don't feel like I can talk to any of them. Does that make sense? And I couldn't post this in my LiveJournal, because Justin reads that. So for anyone who actually took the time to read all of this, thanks. And sorry for the eyestrain.