Round and Round and Round We Go--Where We Stop, Nobody Knows

the mouse that roared's picture

I think I’m trying to hide from sexuality right now. Last week, questioning thoughts were an undertone in my mind all day and every day (FYI, the short story about Alan is that he’s my close friend that I’m in love with who doesn’t love me back):

“Well, I can’t be a lesbian—I had this huge crush on Alan, and it’s still there, though I try to pretend it isn’t. Besides, how would Alan react if, after all this, I told him I was a lesbian? But what if I liked Alan just because there was no other option for me when I only thought about guys? All my other guy-crushes were brief, but the crush on Alan started when I hit puberty…

"Not that my girl-crushes have been that deep either. But what if I don’t really like girls that much, what if it’s just a small thing? What if I like no one as much as Alan, and never will like anyone else better? Am I asexual, maybe? Well, I can’t be, everyone is sexual…

"But then again, maybe I do like girls. I did have that huge, scary explosion of crushing on half the high school, no matter the gender thing for about a week after I admitted to myself that I might like girls…

Comments

ACCgirl's picture

Ah, yes...

I know what you mean about life not feeling meaningless when you're filled with emotion. And sometimes the emotion is just so crazy and scattered you end up feeling too much. Finding yourself is definitely a process. But I think it's somewhat important to remember that your "orientation" doesn't have a time bomb attached to it, so there shouldn't be pressure to run out and find it. And it'll probably more or less find you. Try to relax, have fun, and cease the worrying for awhile. :)