as the title states "wow, i dont wanna come out". coming out was something that i used to stress a lot about, but it seems i havent thought about it for a while. i guess ive had other stuff on my mind. well i was thinking bout it again tonight wheile i was talking my girlfriend. it made me come to realise that, shit, i dont wanna come out. i dont want anyone, except for close friends, and especially not my family to ever find out about my sexuality. i mean, is that such a bad thing? is it possible to hide forever if it means you wont be hurting others and if it means other people will be happy? i mean thats not selfish, thats selfless right?
i know that if i ever came out to my family, well then i would no longer have a family. they would not want to know me, and that would be if i was lucky. i mean, i dont think i really want to live my whole life as a lie, well actually i know i dont, but i dont want to ruin other peoples lives. as my family so kindly keeps reminding me, i have already spent so many years bringing my family down when my depression got particularly bad. but its not like i decided that i wanted to ruin my family. its not like i had any control whatsoever. but they always seem to bring that back and throw it in my face whenever they feel like it. though it is mostly my mum and my sister. i try so hard not to let it get me down but its hard, when i feel so fragile, like i am about to break, and then i have my family, who are meant to love me not matter what, throwing all these horrible things back at me, some of which i dont even remember.
this entry really has not gotten anywhere. i dont even know what the point of it was anymore. i guess i am just really confused. i dont want to live a lie, i am sick of it, but i cant come out, and then without coming out i am living a lie. u get the picture, its a vicious circle kinda thing. its like there is no escaping it. sometimes i think that maybe if i close my eyes tight enough, that when i open them it will all be gone and everything will just be good, like "sunshine, lollypops and rainbows" blah blah blah.
yeh. but i know that can never happen. i just know that i am sick of crying, sick of hiding, sick of lying. justs ick of it all. i feel like i dont know anything anymore. maybe i dont. maybe thats wat happens when u leave school and ur mind is no longer being stimulated so much, everything just spirals even further out of control.