And then there were 9

Paladin's picture

9 = 3 friends + 3 family members + 3 teachers. How's that for balance?

I was walking to lunch with my eldest brother when I found out my parents had told him I was gay the night before. Of course, it's nice to know the way they have as much respect for my privacy as I seem to have for theirs (their right not to be guilty by association with their gay son). Instead of coming out, I've put the dam-bursting on hold, and I have to stay closeted, while they decide who will know.

I will need to confront them on this. I don't want my other brother to find out yet, since he's an ass.

Of course I can't talk about having a perfect record myself. Since reluctantly agreeing not to come out to anyone else, I showed a teacher (who didn't know) one of my personal statements which talked about my whole coming out experience. I needed someone to read it and it wasn't going to be my parents, but I also liked the oppurtunity to be able to come out to another person. Since I just treated it all like content in the personal treatment, she was similarly clinical at the time. However, later that day she sent me a supportive e-mail. I guess that means it went okay.

I'm glad that I came out to the last friend I did when I did since I suspected that something like my parents going a little ballistic could have happened. She was fine with it, in fact we're closer now, since she knows that however I act around her things will never become more than a Platonic relationship).

I am a little conflicted with coming out to more people by using similar techniques (saying "yes" should someone ask if I'm gay; saying "I'm not at liberty to talk about this" but dropping the hints). While technically I wouldn't be breaking the agreement - which in my parents' words was to "not declare yourself a homosexual" - it would against what both sides knew the other was referring to.

So things will continue like this. I am not too pissed off about it, since there isn't anything I can do or could have done about it.

Yesterday I had a short nap before dinner. After dinner I was feeling in an romantic mood, and was able to conjure up my imaginary future boyfriend. I find that when I can do that with a good deal of focus is a good sign that I can sleep. I lost myself in it all and slept for probably a few minutes. Then I woke up suddenly, and the mood had gone - for the rest of the night. I couldn't sleep till about 3 or 4.

My insomnia continues. I suspect deeper subconscious origins to my difficulty sleeping, conveniently timed to coincide with the mock exam period (this week). Hence why I am up writing.