I grew up not knowing why almost every song has to do with love for something or someone. I always knew that i love my family and friends, but the idea of love was extremely overplayed to me by the media or something. Maybe i just never could identify with the lyrics, stories, etc. until i was old enough. But even when you're "old enough" to pretend to even know what love is, someone's always explaining how it's just hormonoes, or lust or what not...and so i just never paid much attention to my needs in that area. Well, i keep growing up, and i'm not even twenty yet, in a few months i will be, but i think that over the past few years, i've been learning how to let myself feel mushy and that undernieth my casual mood with life, i'm this passionate, nearly crazy girl when it comes to love. I've fallen madley inlove with another girl, who is my closest friend. She knows about my feelings for her and she has even kissed me back on two occasions. She herself has been inlove with a woman before, but for some reason, she is terrified to go there with me. She knows that i've never really been truly intimate with anyone before, though i have had stupid drunken experiences with men around my age, which proved to be nothing more than my own exploration that it was simply my trying to learn what love is. Being intimate with men has never really worked for me. I just don't feel with them anything near what i feel with my friend. Her friendship has been like a breath of fresh air. THe most intimate friendship i've ever had. I love her so much, but she has a boyfriend now and would never cross the line with a girl again - as she has set a boundry and finds that it's wrong..
She has told me that she indeed loves me too. That it has been painful and difficult for her to push her desires to be with me away. Now i'm up at night writing love songs, poetry, and music because of her inspiration; I've never desired to spend so much time with anyone. when she's not near me, i hurt and long until i'm reunited with her. In many ways, i know she too feels this way. I know that she fears losing the friendship that only blossomed over the past year and a half. I do too. that's why i hesitated so long to just kiss her and tell her the first time. I'm now perplexed by love. My mind is ineffective in this manner. Only faith drives me to continue. The lord holds my hand through it all and i'm not lonely. Only love-sick.