I'm grumpy. This is a post about me being cranky. This is a post about how I want to fucking kick my ex in the face because... fsjfksljfksdjfsfuckyfuckfuckfuckfuckyou! Because I am still hurt, and I know that I will be for awhile and there's nothing I can fucking do about that. Yes, I have grown. Yes, I will be stronger, more mature. Blow me. I'm still upset. There is still a pain that cannot be taken away or erased. It is a part of me now, like the scar on the face from when I fell on the ice and hit the corner of the car door, like my neurotic tendency to clean everything around me, like my goofy giggles and eternal impatience. It's like a scar, and it'll heal but you'll always have it. *sigh*
For the most part, I accept it. But it still... fucks me up.
And then there's my eternal frustration with the fact that my big bisexual ass does not fit in with the rest of the world's expectations and how, whenever I date a guy I worry that people will start assuming that I was really straight all along, and how as soon as we break up I have to deal with my gay friends telling me that I should be gay anyway so fuck men. I LIKE BOTH. I CAN'T HELP IT. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
I rant about this all the time, yes. There are issues being bisexual in our glorious world that I still have not completely reconciled in my head, I suppose. I want a bisexual role model, and I have yet to find one. I don't think one exists. I want there to be someone who is bisexual and not a fucking hoe, who can settle down into a committed relationship while still acknowledging attraction to both sexes. Is that even fucking possible? Is monogamy even possible? That's why my boyfriend and I broke up recently (I have been avoiding pronouns on my journal for the very reason of dodging any judgement), because he told me that he wasn't capable of monogamy (this after being exclusive for 8 months). I mean, I just don't fucking know.
What I am starting to believe is that I will have to be my own role model. I have to outline the kind of life I want to have and be who I want to be, be the person I've created. I am my own creation. I mean... I suppose that's what everyone has to do, right? I don't think I'm particularly unique in my bisexual experience... I think it's just one of those Life Things that help you understand how to exist in this world. Like, if there is a god (I'm not so much agnostic as indifferent), the reason he made me bi might be the same reason he made someone else handicapped or orphaned or whatever. But... it gets frustrating to feel like you have to go into something without guidance. Yes... that is life. That is life.
Blah. I want to become an advocate for the acceptance of bisexuals, because we're out there and we exist and I personally think we're pretty fucking cool anyway. I wish I could major in that, but oh well. I pick International Affairs/Anthropology instead.
In other news, I had a date with a really really gorgeous girl not too long ago, and she seems to dig me. She told me she'd call me today and she didn't, though. That always makes me insecure, the calling thing... Poop. Well, she's studying abroad next semester anyway so I guess it's not very consequential. That's the wrong word. Whatever, I'm tired. I'm signing off.