Saturday, January 1, 2005
I’m back from my vacation-frenzy of travel and Christmas. Happy New Year, everyone! I could blab on for hours about everything that’s happened, or I could just let my thoughts jump randomly around…
So I went contra dancing last week, and at the dance there was this lesbian couple. And even as I was dancing with the guys in our group and flirting with them (I really have to stop flirting with people I don’t like romantically. This has suddenly come up, as I’ve never really flirted before and now I’m worried I’ll be leading this one guy on…), I knew that I was really jealous of those two girls. I wanted a girlfriend much more than a boyfriend. And thinking about it now, that’s still true.
I got a Spanish-English/English-Spanish dictionary for Christmas, and when I looked up the word bisexual, they didn’t have it. The book had homosexual and heterosexual (they’re the same word in Spanish), but not bisexual. I was rather annoyed at that. Was it that the dictionary-makers didn’t believe in bisexuality, or that there isn’t a word for bisexuality in Spanish?
Things are a mess with Alan and me. He doesn’t even think I want to be friends with him anymore, and I want to apologize for the way I’ve been to him this fall, I’ve been wanting to for months, but I haven’t yet. And now he’s going out with one of our mutual friends. So I don’t know if he has any time or desire for me to try to fix our friendship. But I really need him as a friend, I know that now. I have a gazillion really important things to say to him: I’m sorry for the way I’ve been; I still want to be friends; I think I’m getting over him; he and his new girlfriend look really cute together and congratulations; I’m really scared and worried about him needing a new liver; I miss him; I’m sorry; I love him as a friend, too; thanks for being such a good friend to me when I wasn’t to him; I think I might be gay/bisexual. I feel so alone. I really miss his friendship. He’s always been there for me before, and now he isn’t. I don’t feel like I could go to him about any of my problems anymore. I really need to talk to him, but renewing our friendship is not the biggest thing on his mind at the moment, what with his new girlfriend and performing in a play next week and his health. I don’t want to appear clingy or desperate or anything. I just want his friendship back. I’ve been closing myself off to all my friends lately, but I’ve never completely closed off to Alan.
When my family went to visit my aunt and uncle last week, I wrote some idle thoughts in my journal on the long car ride:
I guess my main problem logically with believing in heterosexuality or homosexuality is the black-and-white-ness of it. How is it possible to fall in love with people of just one gender? Can’t you fall in love with just anyone? I suppose gender can be just another preferred characteristic. Saying “I don’t like guys