Bus Fight(First scene from my new/re-worked old novel-length piece I'm starting)

tarni's picture

The very first scene in the novel I'm semi-re-writing.. I had about a fifth, maybe a quarter, of it written, in chunks that were all over the place. I left it alone for a while, and when I came back to it I didn't like the original storyline. SO, I rewrote the outline, and started re-writing the entire thing. THis is the very first scene, where my two main charries(Meira, the viewpoint 'I' character, and Devi, the unnamed 'punk failure') are introduced.
Note: [] brackets mean I'm not sure of the word that goes there, or something like that.

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Wordcount: 1477

POV: Meira

"Stop! Wait for me!"
I broke into a frantic run and hurtled down the narrow street to where the bus was [revving] loudly, already moving slowly away from the curb. The brakes squealed as I came dashing up to the half-open door, and I grabbed the handle to swing myself up inside out of the rain. Once the door shut behind me I could hardly hear the sound of my own panting over the [clamour] in the bus.
"Next time you walk," the busdriver growled in a low rough voice, but I grinned. "Pass," he grunted without any change in tone, and I flashed the card at him just long enough for him to be sure it was real. "Geddown back and out of my way."
"Sheesh, what a grump," I muttered and pushed back my soaked hair, but I couldn't remain in that mood for long. People relucantly moved as I shoved my way down the crowded aisle, and I pushed past those who didn't.
"Sorry," I said over my shoulder as I trampled on someones bag.
"Hey, what're sorry for? Ain't your fault they had it on floor." I looked past the guy in my way and saw three of the girls in my gang. They grinned and I returned the grin with a smile of own, wriggled past the guy and grabbed hold of a [pole? handrail?] for balance as the bus swung around a corner.
"Good point," I replied, and kept my bag on one shoulder. God it felt good to see everyone again.
"So, anyway, we were talking about the ridiculous amount of books we have to drag around."
I joined in. "Hell yeah, who'll bet someone'll be down at the doctors within the week?"
"Yeah, probably."
"Most likely."
"What're you taking anyway, Laura? Your bag looks like you're training for weightlifting, for cripes sake."
"Sciences, mostly." Laura grimaced, and shifted her bag on her back uncomfortably. "Oh, and art, complete with a huge sketchbo--"
With a cry she tumbled forwards, snatching at the rail but missing, and crashed down onto the seat beside her. The bus slithered all over the road and everyone crashed into each other as they fell; the bus went from a reasonable speed to a snails pace in several seconds, and the air was full of the blare of the horn and the busdrivers shouts as I glimpsed a car swerving across in front of the bus. I slammed into pole I'd been holding, and rubbed my [shoulder] with a groan, scrambling to gain control of my feet before I could slip and fall. As I gathered my [balance] and steadied my feet I briefly saw someone yell out in pain as someone stepped heavily on their hand. I turned around to find my friends, and my eyes widened as Laura yelped from the fist that drove into her solidly on the shoulder.
"Hey!" I shouted, jumping forward and grabbing Lauras hand to haul her to her feet again. "What's going on?!"
Laura clutched at her arm, and glared at the girl who'd punched her. The girls hands were still clenched into fists, and she was half-sitting, half-kneeling on her seat, one hand falling to rest on her backpack protectively. Her face wore the ugliest expression I'd ever seen; she was almost baring her teeth like a bitch cornering [a kill], and I would swear that I could hear a growl, even over the chaos around us. Even her clothes were hideous: if I'd had to stereotype her, she'd had been a punk failure, with bright green and black clashing awfully, and short hair cut roughly at the ends.
"What the hell is going on?" I repeated, glaring at the girl. Laura stood behind me, watching over my shoulder.
"That slut fell into my fucken lap!" The girl snarled, snapping her fingers in Lauras general direction.
"What?! You.. the bus braked, you.. you..!" I bite my lip hard, and clenched my own hands into fists, breathing hard through my nose, and said nothing.
"And if she hadn't fallen, one of you other sluts would have. She's not special, you're all dull as anything!"
I felt Lauras grip tighten on my shoulder, and someone else took a single step forward.
"Wimps, all of you. She-" The girl pointed at Laura again, "-shrieked at the lightest touch."
"Why you..!" I lunged forward and grabbed antoher of my friends by the wrists, hauling her away from the fake punk girl, who was watching us with a leer on her face.
"Stop it, just leave it," I hissed in my friends ear, pulling her another couple feet away. "It's not worth fighting over. She's taunting you, she's just looking for a [fight]."
I didn't let go of her wrists, but I looked around at my group, who were all watching us. I suddenly realised that everyone was, not just my friends. "What're you all looking at, then?" I snapped, and dragged Laura and everyone else with me towards the front of the bus. The busdriver glanced back over his shoulder with a small smile, and I realised he knew exactly what had been going on, but wouldn't have stopped it even if he could.
"Bastard.." I muttered, and let go of my friends wrists only to grab at a rail as the bus slowed suddenly once again, this time in front of the school. It was exactly as I remembered it, but looking sad and grey in the hot summer rain that was pouring down outside.

Comments

Sirens call's picture

Yay, i want to read the whole story

More please :D

"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself."

thoughtsinelectricblu's picture

anymore?

Nice...

Jason

Intention is the core of all conscious life. It is our intentions that create karma, our intentions that help others, our intentions that lead us away from the delusions of individuality toward the immutable verities of enlightened awareness.