is probably the most accurate way to describe how life has been for a while. It started over a year ago, and it still is hard. While occasionally the problems fade into the back recesses of my mind, they still exist and probably always will. I think back, and it's almost like all the confusion, pain, and chaos comes back. What I would give to not have to go through that. What I would give to have the opportunity to change things, not hurt her. How things could have been if I had done things differently. I'll never know, but I'll always wonder. She was special to me, still is. It's great that we can be friends, but in all of this, what strings have been cut and cannot be mended? We've talked before, but I don't think that was enough. I still don't know her pain or what she went through. What things are beyond forgiveness? So many things I want to understand, but will I ask? I don't know. Probably not. Would it even make a difference? Doubtful.