I don't know. Scattered

RoaG's picture

I wish I had something to say. It's nice outside and I'm going back between being hot and cold because I think I'm coming down with something. It's a little past 5:30 and I still haven't left the apartment yet. I want to cry and I thought I might start but nothing came. It would only make my head hurt more anyway.

It made me think about crying and how when you're sick like this, the tears are hot on your eyes. It's a... feeling. I'm not sure what kind. I know I need to get something to eat but I just want to crumple into my sheets and not deal with anything. I don't want to deal with school even though I think I'm going to start teetering on the edge soon if I don't get my act together. I should put some clothes on, gain some weight, start exercising at the gym, buy a box of tissues.

Well, I at least got an appointment for the counseling center. It took me about a month to do that.

I'm looking for music to match my mood and can't find any. It's frustrating.

I've kissed more people in the past 3 months than I had before, girls in particular. And yet the memory and feeling of the one before still lingers so strongly. Just this afternoon I had the most vivid dream about him that makes me feel like I haven't progressed at all since November 20th. I dreamt you held my hand and told me how much you missed me, and I dreamt that I threw things at you and told you to fuck off.

Wish fulfillment, yes.

[I hate being tied to this! Fuck!]

These dreams are so real to me. I can't believe we have class together four days a week and you try talking to me like nothing ever happened and I had to see you on Valentines Day. I hate that I want so much to tell you to get the fuck out of my life and I'm still sneaking peaks at you in class.

Where are my words?