i've been cursed with a deadly diease........love

o6_valerie_o9's picture

I'm sittin here at home unable to do anything except think about HER. Why must i be cursed to this awful diease of love. I say cursed because every passing day she manages to break my heart that much more. Why cant i let her go? I know what i need to do, but every second spent with her, every gaze into her eyes i fall for her just a little harder. It used to be so great. When she was mine and i was hers. We would make love for hours and fall asleep in each others arms. Talk until midnight almost every night. But times have changed and so have her thoughts.

She tells my to wait for the future. She just wants to have a fun and non serious relationship. Thats what shes doin but lately she tells me that she has to make this girl feel like this girl is her world. What happened to the fun and non-seriousness? She lied. But she continues to hold my heart. She is careless tho, tossing it back in forth playing hot potato between her hands. Why cant she understand? But for some reason i feel as if it's all my fault. i feel like i let her go, as tho i pushed her away. What have i done? I know im young but i also know what i feel. With every person that I know tries to tell me to move on, they can see the pain in my eyes. I notice how they try not to say the words that they feel the most. 'You're bein f***in stupid, why do you let her walk all over your heart, get over the b**ch'. When i say what i believe they want to say, they always quickly agree with an immediate yes and motion YESS! With their heads. I've already tried to go on with someone else, very casually, but it doesnt work. When i kissed someone else, i closed my eyes and i felt like i was kissing her, my heart was floating and a tear gathered at the crease of my eye. Until i lifted my lids and saw another girls face. After that the incrediable passion left my lips. I felt terrible and wanted to break down.

Nearly every person can recgonize this intense curse. It makes a heart heavy and it doesnt make it easy when i'm trying to fall asleep at night. I'm becoming sick because of this.

Now, I own pieces of a heart.


armadillo's picture

Keep the faith, don't let any

Keep the faith, don't let anyone make you feel stupid. Feelings have nothing to do with intelligence. That's just your mind trying to rationalize while your heart doesn't do that at all. I think of it like this - my mind and my heart constantly conflict and my body is the battlefield. I'm sure you can identify with that, because i can identify with your entry...however, recently, I was speaking with a middle aged gentleman and dear friend of mine, who has been through the most traumatic heart-break. his wife was screwing the mechanic and his sons had to point it out to him. Anyway, now that he's been divorced and seeing women, one of whom he's fallen for - but is his close friend...he told me that you just cant help who you fall for, but that doesn't mean you don't control what you do about it.
So if you really love that girl and she's truly your friend...tell her about your feelings or just follow your heart...do as you feel is necessary and wait to see how God will take care of you.

o6_valerie_o9's picture

perfect wording

that was something good to hear. i know my drama isnt the most tragic event in the world, but it help put things in prospective for me. what you replied with put me at ease, and a good day at school helped too.

Thanks, Thank You.