Love and Livers

the mouse that roared's picture

Thursday, February 10

He's dying.

He's dying, isn't he? He doesn't think so--he thinks he'll get a transplant, recieve life from the death of someone who cared.

But my mom talks about him in the way he talked about the election when had I still hoped. "You know, Bush is probably going to win, and we'll have to live with him for four more years," he would say. My mother sits in her computer chair, bends over her laptop, then collapses back into the chair, sighing, "He really needs a new liver."

You know, Alan is probably going to die, probably going to die because not enough strangers cared enough to donate their dead organs. They'd rather keep them to themselves. He will die because too many people are indifferent, too many people are selfish even after their deaths.

Now I have a choice to make, both selfish and selfless: I can be there with him, be there for him, become close to him again for the next few months. And feel the searing pain of loss and separation if--when?--he dies. Or I can stay isolated, stay away, avoid death. And always wonder what it would have been like. And always feel guilty for forgetting about him when he was alive, never forgiving myself for something I could never change.

What a choice.


RoaG's picture

you'll never get this time ba

you'll never get this time back again. make your peace with him.

Ramblings of a Girl

thoughtsinelectricblu's picture

Pain is what it is...replace it.

Out of the last three weeks that I spent with Kevin, we had only one conversation in which we were both participants and it was the most amazing conversation we had ever shared...which seems unreal because our relationship was based on words and sharing...even if I hadn't already loved him, I would have in the end...the real pain would be, not being able to say this.

I send you love and warm wishes, mouse.


Intention is the core of all conscious life. It is our intentions that create karma, our intentions that help others, our intentions that lead us away from the delusions of individuality toward the immutable verities of enlightened awareness.

Andrewgirl3's picture


hey. im really sorry for you. Think about what your being close again will mean to him. *The past is a ghost the future is a dream and all we ever have is now*

luck. ill be thinking of you