Metaphorical Near-Death Experience

Paladin's picture

Came very close to slipping into oblivion today. I guess I'm entirely to blame.

I was supposed to put together four of my pieces of coursework. I hadn't finished one of them, but was well on track to doing so. I tried to convince my teacher that I would hand it in at lunchtime. Didn't work, even though a few of my friends tried to state their objection to her being unreasonable. She said whatever I gave her by the end of the lesson would be it, and if I didn't give it to her, I'd fail. I didn't give her enough of the final piece of coursework to prevent me from failing. She asked what had gotten into me to let this happen. I didn't entirely know myself; I'd just been putting it off because there were other things that got in the way. She said she would talk to the other teachers about it, but I was probably screwed.

Then I had my German oral. A friend and I chatted in German beforehand in order to prepare myself. He asked why I was feeling pretty down (Warum bist du traurig?) I said it was because I was lazy and found it hard to live here (Weil ich faul bin und es ist schwer hier zu leben). When he asked why, I talked about how much I hated this place and how I didn't like my parents (Weil ich furchtbare Eltern habe). He then asked whether it would be any different if I lived somewhere else and had different parents. I said it would, but there were other reasons as well (Vielleicht gibt es anderes Grund). It sucked that I couldn't tell him right there that it was because I was facing the world basically alone on some things, like my homosexuality (Ich bin schwul und alle Leute hier sind nicht offen schwul als ich und ich kann nicht mit jeder sprechen ueber das). In the German oral I had difficulty concentrating, but German teacher said I went fine.

The day was saved when, after lunch, my teacher said that I could hand in the coursework. Even though the other teachers agreed with her, she thought that it could have a negative impact on my future and my chances of acceptance into uni, so she gave me till the end of the day to hand it in. She was really pissed off, but I thanked her. I didnt have classes in the afternoon, so I was able to get it done fine. That took a huge load off my shoulders.

So how did this happen? Like everyone else in my year, I've been working my ass off to get the grades I deserve. But the gay-rights activist in me emerged, and I had to supress him to keep my sexuality hidden. Then I came out to a few people. Now my parents make me suppress my activist streak. The bloody bastards. So I download and watch gay-themed movies, I post here, trying to do something for a cause that I'm otherwise forbidden from helping. It helps release some of the stress. But evidently, its not enough, as I have to put off doing work I should have done ages ago in order to prevent myself from drowning in it all. Ahh, bugger. I'll turn out ok in the end. Or so I hope.

Comments

jeff's picture

There's always time...

Be a gay activist when you have a job and are out of school. Always put yourself and your own needs first. There will always be time to become an activist, but we don't need another activist who took queer studies in college, whose entire cause is gay rights and they can't even find real work. It's kind of like people who wanted to drop everything and run to Asia to help the tsunami effort with no useful skills, improving yourself is always the best way to build the character necessary to learn how to help others. Always.

Paladin's picture

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Yeah, I agree that I can worry about what I can do for the gay community later. But it's not just being a gay activist really. It's just doing anything that speaks to my gay side since everyone, including me, has basically been alienating it.

Dave

the mouse that roared's picture

I know what you mean.

And you do help here, you do keep a good part of this community going. You post a lot and your posts are interesting... Don't give up hope! You'll get out of there soon!

Paladin's picture

Thanks. It means a lot to me.

Thanks. It means a lot to me.

Dave