Yesterday was the end of the first week of spring semester. This is my last semester of high school. I just want it to be over, really. The first semester of this year went great. I mean, it was long, and stressful, and all that, but it wasn't at all bad. It was the first semester ever that I've gotten straight A's. One A-, but also one HH (Highest Honors, better than an A+). I've never pulled anything off like this before, and I should feel good about it. I do feel good about it. I feel great about it. At the same time, I have this kind of apathy (or even ambivalence) towards doing really well in my classes or something like that. A lot of the time, I wonder why I'm getting such high grades. I mean, I apply myself and I turn in all of my work on time, but do I really deserve to get good marks? Why me and not someone else? Its because of this that I try to skirt away from the subject of grades and test scores whenever it comes up in conversation with one of my friends. I feel guilty about it. Why am I doing well, and they're not? Or they are, but I'm still doing better? Why should I ace part of the SAT when they're happy with a 1200 combined? It makes me feel like an ungrateful little shit to even think about this kind of thing. I mean, I work hard, I at least get some kind of recognition for it. And of course it would be in poor taste to fly stuff like grades or test scores like some sort of flag. I could never do that. It would just be horrible.
Right now I'm trying not to even think about school. I have way more stuff than I can really deal with due early next week, and some of it I'm not even sure how to get done. I'm stressed, to put it simply. I'm stressed in a big way. I've started having those really vivid dreams again - for whatever reason, one of the ways my brain copes with stress is to make my dreams really insanely vivid. If they happen to be good dreams, this is awesome, and almost worth the stress. If (as happens more often) they are nightmares... well... I just haven't been sleeping very much lately. I've regressed, in a way. A year ago I was really OCD and starting to tend towards paranoid. I had been getting gradually better until about a week or two ago, and now a lot of that stuff is back in full force. It sucks. I don't know what to do about it either, but that's something for another day. In a word, I'm stressed. I need some sort of break. The really ridiculous thing about all of this is that its only the first week of the semester. It was, anyway. If I'm this exhausted and stressed out now, how the hell am I going to deal with the rest of the year?
Maybe part of it is that I haven't really gotten out of the house except for school or orchestra for a pretty long time. I don't really know how long its been since I went out and did something on a Friday or Saturday night. I haven't been out on a date in months. Actually, I have gone out with friends a few times in the last while, but those are still pretty few and far between. I need to get out and meet people. I think I should cut this short before it devolves into total self-pity and masturbatory angst. Maybe I'll write something a little bit more cohesive and less... ranty... later tonight.