The Porcelain Heart

the mouse that roared's picture

I think this is destined to be a very random, stream-of-conscioussness entry. Bear with me...

As I was reading through everyone's journal entries today, I noticed how all of them were dealing with changes... like big emotional changes or life choices or just something important. I mean, some days everyone's entries are inconsequential, trivial, or they deal with the same kinds of problems. Maybe it's just the odd, yet peaceful and content mood I'm in, but I just thought that was sort of interesting. And I felt guilty for not commenting on anyone's specifically...

People's comments on my last entry made me cry. And I thought I've been healing... Thank you so much for your support and advice. I've been at the end of my rope, the end of my strength for a while now, and I've needed some time to regenerate myself. I guess I'm not getting it, and so I've been kind of stepping out of my own life because I couldn't deal with it. Now I think I may be ready to start walking back into it...

I think I have accepted my sexuality, and made my peace with it. I no longer feel an urgent desire to label myself, either. Which is good.

I sort of want to come out to everyone, but I'm not sure if I am still too fragile to do it. The clumsy, "I'm bisexual" ways I've come out before make me wince inwardly. That's right, make a big, blunt, "I'm different" deal out of it when it's really not a big deal. But I suppose it was a big deal for me then. I just don't want to ask to be singled out for something I shouldn't be.

When I do come out, I want only to stop restraining myself from making comments about how attractive one girl or the other is to me. When I feel the urge to say something like that, then I would. It's strange, because I've never really been one to comment over boys' looks, but now I want to comment on girls. Or if I want to talk with a close friend about my crush on a girl, I would just start talking. No pretense that this crush is any different from one on the opposite gender.

Hmmm... sorry for the randomness of this entry. I felt like I needed to post, but I didn't really have a set topic in mind.

Comments

niks121997's picture

...

I really hope you've gathered some strength because it's awfully hard to go day by day without strength. I'm happy to hear that things are looking up for you and that you believe you've accepted yourself. That's always an important step.

The part where you said that you have urges to comment on girls more than boys reminded me of me. I may be bi, but I lean more towards women than men. There are just so many wonderful things to comment on in each and every person.

I'm shutting up now.

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

jeff's picture

If your past doesn't embarass

If your past doesn't embarass you, you're not taking enough risks.

Dassani's picture

Artist Syndrome...

I consider myself Bi, though I like girls more and most guys that I like are either gay or effeminate. Still I can comment on both equally because I see the potential beauty in both sexes. I'm an artist for cryin' out loud! But it does suck getting asked out by guys and having to tell them I like girls after telling said guy that I thought his chest, ass, hands, or whatever looked sexy and I'd love it if they'd model for me sometime. Sadly I get that a lot, mostly from people who don't know me very well. *^^* Still, it's wonderful to be able to talk to my friends about current crushes. What else is there to do at lunch time aside from discuse video games and up coming Cons?

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"A soul is never black, just a darker shade of gray..."
*Still not sure if I was the first one to come up with that...*