Backstage

the mouse that roared's picture

What is wrong with me? Why am I so sad? How can I have been so sad for so long without even knowing what it is I am depressed about it? Why am I so lonely and insecure? Can’t I bring myself out of this, come into myself and out of this bubble? Why am I despairing? I feel defeated and alone.

And I don’t even know why.

I feel like crying a lot of the time, but I only let it out when I am alone. I’m tired of crying into my parent’s shoulders, exasperated with what comfort they give and not wanting to worry about burdening them. And I have nowhere else to go.
These tears are so self-pitying and self-destructive. They are endless. They are lost. I judge them and suppress them.

When other people are around, I pretend things are fine. I know how to effortlessly turn a twinge of the heart into a smile. Disguising emotions is my specialty. When someone else comes near, my mind races: should I pretend? I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t. I know. But it’s easier… safer… They don’t want to deal with me. They must be tired of my constant unhappiness. Or maybe that’s me that’s tired.

The fake smiles are endless. I constantly hide my feelings and change my body language. I preserve my careful little illusion.

Nobody needs to know. Don’t bother them. It’s all not worth the effort. I haven’t changed and I won’t if someone else watches me cry.

So I sit and cry alone. Sometimes my parents find me crying, and they ask what’s wrong. But I don’t tell them. Not anymore.

I won’t even tell myself, assuming I even know what it is.

When my tears stop, I casually pull out yet another tissue from the box and wipe off the freshest tears. Streak to the bathroom and wet a towel and wipe the dry mask of tears off. I dry my face with the other end of the towel, and smile shyly at myself in the mirror. …Testing, one—two—three…

I’m ready to go.

Comments

niks121997's picture

:(

This post made me want to cry. You never know though, someone may need and want to know about how you're feeling. The facade of fake smiles only lasts so long...

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Agarwaen's picture

.

I can relate, I understand. I'm a master at concealing my emotions too, and I find myself crying at times for no reason at all. And I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm in the same boat as you.

Brosia's picture

Beautiful piece about an ugly

Beautiful piece about an ugly emotion. I know you don't want to burden the people you love (I'm the same way), but I really don't think they'll mind if you need a shoulder to cry on. Most people are just flattered to know you trust them that much. So go find a close friend and have a good cry. You'll feel better, I promise. Hang in there.

"My mother made me a homosexual."
"If I gave her the wool, would she make me one too?"
--Grafitti