Bisexual... Pansexual... Circumstantial? Ehh

Daisy's picture

Wow. Okay. So I am profoundly, inexplicably confused.

I'm making myself totally crazy. I keep like, trying to test myself, to figure out whether I like girls or boys better, which is ridiculous, as I like them both the same. Ehh...

I think I just want somebody to point at me and say, "Oh, this is really quite simple, you're...." Which of course is impossible, but there you have it.

I came out as bisexual about a year a half ago, a few weeks after I realized I like girls. At first, I was pretty upset, and confused. I felt that my feelings for girls were totally seperate from my feelings for boys, that I didn't like girls the way a boy might, nor even as a lesbian does, but just in a whole new different freak way... But after telling people how I felt and being open about it, I calmed down. Despite my confusion, bisexual felt like a good label. It felt honest.

Recently, I've started thinking about my sexuality again. During winter break, just over a year after I came out, I found out that my ex boyfriend had cheated on me with a boy. The next day, I made out with him, God knows why. The day after that, he came out to me (I was the first person he told) as gay, I already knew that he was gay, this wasn't a shock. But I was really hurt that he'd cheated on me, and I was feeling pretty shitty about males in general... Which got me thinking about girls. In the last few weeks, I've felt some sort of weird shift. At first I thought it was just my feelings for girls changing into more of a standard attraction, instead of whatever freak thing I'd had going on before. Then (as I posted here) I felt like I'd figured myself out: instead of having both the feelings of a straight girl and a lesbian, I have neither...

Now I'm kind of not sure again. I don't know. This is ridiculous. I just feel like the label I was so proud of, and identified with so well (bisexual), suddenly no longer applies. It feels false, and I don't know why.

My best friend and I stayed up late last night thinking about new labels. We had fun with it. We had silly ideas, like that my sexuality is "circumstantial"... We also talked about maybe using "pansexual," which is a distinct possibility, because I have been feeling like I just don't have any kind of preference or even orientation in terms of gender. I've never liked somebody who was transgendered, but I think I could be into it... I don't know, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry for my somewhat self-indulgent ramblings... Thanks for reading if you did. :)

Comments

zoe rose's picture

and my god do i know how you

and my god do i know how you feel.

life is hell.
enjoy it while you can.

2dark2see's picture

Yeah...Know how tht feels dud

Yeah...Know how tht feels dude...so confused.
soz tht wasnt much help.

False conversation
hidden agender
you think we're stupid
how dare you

the mouse that roared's picture

Yes!

I feel the same way. Especially about bisexuality, though I didn't come out much yet: "I just feel like the label I was so proud of, and identified with so well (bisexual), suddenly no longer applies. It feels false, and I don't know why." EXACTLY how I feel.