Well, a lot has happened lately. My friend decided that she can't deal with my problems and just left me. It really hurts because I really loved her, still do actually. We had the kind of relationship where there was no clear definition of what the heck we were. We were more than friends but not dating and not family. It is just freaking confusing. She did all kinds of awful stuf to me because she felt overwhelmed. We are both codependant, meaning we had no lines drawn against each others pain, plus she's bipolar and I would be manicly depressed with panic disorder (fun combination huh). It is just really weird because she did all of this stuff to say that she didn't want to have any kind of relationship with me, and then yesterday she walks up to me and starts talking like nothing happened. I am really confused. It's not the first time she has done this, she does it over and over again. When she gets overwhelmed with something, not usually me, she takes it out on me because she knows that I love her enough to still be there when she gets over it. It's just that I don't know what to do, she never considers my feelings. I love her, I'm just not sure how much longer I can take this. Right now I still need space from her, but it hurts to be away from her. I keep thinking about all of the really good times we had together and then it is just this bittersweet feeling. It is just a really weird thing because we were so close. Spring Break is coming so I know that I will have space from her. Every single person close to me is telling me that this relationship is bad for me and I shouldn't take the way she treats me, but then I think of the good times and I can't help but miss her. She lives in my dorm so I see her every day without fail. It is just like for every bad feeling, there is the memory of how she made me feel safe and protected, loved, cared for, and the feirce feelings of loving caringness I felt for her, if that makes any sense at all. It is just so confusing. At first I tried to be angry at her, just to make it hurt less, but I can't, I understand that I scared her with my behaivior. I wasn't mean or anything, just so depressed I could barely see straight. I am really confused. Part of it is she consistantly refused to clarify what we were to each other. The more I look at the history of our relationship the more I see that we were together and just couldn't admit it, if that makes sense. When people would ask her why she didn't have a boyfriend she would reply, "Well it's either a boyfriend or Sarah, and I think I'll keep Sarah." I mean I know how I feel for her, but how the hell can I sort out the nature of our relationship when she talks like that. Our relationship was not a friendship, friends don't act the way we did, look at each other the way we did, plus as much as I said she was straight there is a very good chance that she is bisexual. I routinly catch her checking out girls, she watches so called "fan service" anime like Love Hina and Ai Yori Aoshi, and when she saw a LGBT book on my floor she mentioned that she owned it. I repressed my reactions and brushed it off, but she looked very uncomfortable, like she expected a different reaction. Plus we touch more than we do in our friendships. We are both very big supporters of personal space in most of our relationships, people know not to touch us, but when were alone a lot of snuggling takes place. We will sit and watch anime and slowly drift closer to each other until one of us falls asleep on the others lap, we routinly hand hold when we walk places, though not when we are with others, we do everything short of kissing, and there are times when I think that we are going to do that.
I don't know if I am reading too much into this or not, but it doesn't really matter. I was fairly happy with how our relationship was, though I would have liked it if she had called me her girlfriend or at least been able to keep some level of intimacy with me in public. And then when we get too close she draws back and treats me like dirt. This time it was justified for her to want her space or be mad at me, but the extent that she took it wasn't. She treats me like a fucking yo yo. Draws me closer and closer and then abruptly pushes me away, its confusing and it hurts. And then she pretends like nothing happened, like the things she does to me don't hurt. She walks up to me knowing that I will take her back, I just don't know if I can do that anymore. I have too much other stuff going on right now. I am recovering from cutting (its been almost 2 weeks!), my best friend is being abused, I turned her into social services but the fucking system doesnt work, two of my other friends are beating each other up at school back home, and I just don't know if I can deal with the way she treats me on top of everything else I have going on. It is all so confusing. She hurts me like this and I should hate her, but all I feel is sad that I am not good enough for her.