General Girlyness

extreme447's picture

I am not depressed. I don't have a shitty life. I don't have to worry about money as far as the basic necessities go. My parents aren’t rich by any means, I mean they are both social workers. I guess comfortable is a good word. We have a nice house in a nice neighborhood of a nice town. This nice town is literally right next to Boston, so we are not cut off from the real world.

I don’t really know where I am going with this. I guess that is what my problem is. I am lost. I start each day and just go through the motions. I am numb. Each day is the same. I wake up. Try desperately to finish the homework I could not strum up the motivation to complete the previous night. Go to school. Go to chorus. Go home and read the night away while recklessly jeopardizing the chances of my attending one of the colleges I want to go to. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I don’t care. Why I just want to give it all up and become a car mechanic. Why that job appeals to me so much. Why I can’t seem to convince myself fully that that life would not appeal to me. Why I so obviously would become bored and bitter.

I want to become a doctor. I want to go the Mcgil. I want to want these goals. I want a girlfriend. I want to stop lusting after straight girls. I want commitment. I am 17 years old and have yet to have a relationship that matters. I guess there are many who could say that. I don’t want to be one of them any longer though. I want to be able to go to my junior prom with my girlfriend. John is great of course, but it is just another night. There is no romantic allure to it.

I am a romantic at heart, and have these fantasies of falling for a girl and her setting me straight. You know the whole be a good kid, stop fucking around, do your work, and stop doing drugs. I wish I could write well too. I have all of these ideas running through my head without any means of eloquently expressing them. O well.

I wish for a lot of things. Love. Motivation. I have neither.

Also, the dress shoe industry officially discriminates against tall people. For the past few years, I have not had a pair that fit me. Today I wanted to remedy the situation for the silly prom I have been talked into attending. I braved the elements, and what did I get? Stores that went up to a size 10 as far as their formal shoes went. They taunted me those damn stores. Hah! They said. You can look and admire the pretty shoes, but will you actually be able to wear them? No! I scoff at your large feet. You are much too tall for our shoes, they claimed. The sales associate laughed when I asked if they had any shoe in a size 11. By that time, the winning criteria for a pair of shoes was black. I finally threw in the towel and resorted to the internet. Shopping for shoes officially sucks.

Comments

luvanwal's picture

sigh

the cloth and accessory industry discriminates against all of us! especially if your ass wants to fill out your jeans but your waist is small. bastards, all of em! but seriously. i understand what you mean. sometimes i wake up and wonder what the hell i'm doing or why i care. i still have no answers. page me if you find the answers to your wonderings.i could also use the help.

zoe rose's picture

you know what? i may be four

you know what?
i may be four years younger than you, but i passed thru that...phase? about a month ago..it lasted the entire first semester...and i think its beginning again...
and its funny- im size 11 in shoes too...
but besides that...i just want to say that i know what its like...
and um..im here...plus im totally up for any conversation that might follow...my aim is hellomynameisz0e if you want to talk...
and you know what? this may be a casual journal entry, but you do write well...ive had so many experiences where i hate whatever i write, and tear it up, but i think maybe once a year i write something good...not even amazing...just good.
i say- keep writing...get it out that way- try to find the emotion in that...it might help...
zoe

life is hell.
enjoy it while you can.

Jopurdy's picture

Ahh, the joys of girliness.

Ahh, the joys of girliness.

If it's a sin to love you
Then in hell i'd rather be
Opposed to living a life with people
In heaven looking down on me