It's like all I see around me is hatred, and there's so much of it that it's forced itself upon me and now all I can feel is anger. Anger at anyone who so much as glances at me, even if they don't acknowledge the fact that I'm there. Their eyes just sweep over me as they move to something else in the room. Anger at my friends. When they talk to me, I immediately get this feeling of intense irritation. I just want to scream at them to shut up. That I don't care what they have to say.
I want so much to place the blame on everyone around me. I want to say that they make me view people the way that I do. They made me hate them so much that I automatically want to hate people as soon as I see them. It's their fault I'm paranoid sometimes. That I think strangers are silently, in their heads, picking up on all of my flaws. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm loud sometimes. I don't always get along with my family. They think I'm conceited. But really, they aren't thinking those things. It's me that's thinking that.
Then I realize that out of all these people, maybe it's my father that I want to blame. He stole my childhood. He stole so much from me, things that I can never get back.
My counselor said that my brother and sisters and I wouldn't accomplish anything by sitting down together and talking about everything that our dad did to us. My older sister and I have both noticed that we can't even remember what it felt like to live in our old house. There are so many blanks in my life that I can't fill in without the help of my family. My counselor says that the past is done and over with, and we need to deal with it and move on. Doesn't she understand that I can't deal with it if I don't know everything about my past? How do I deal with what I don't know? She doesn't know me. Not really. And she sure as hell doesn't know my family. She doesn't know the things my dad did. She doesn't know the things he said to us. She doesn't know what I need in order to get past this.
I don't think I'm even trying in school anymore. When we have geometry tests, I write down random numbers and wait until the bell rings to turn my test in. Because I know that he looks over the tests while other people are still working, and I'm overcome with the fear that he'll call me over and say something about me not answering so many of the questions. I'm scared of him talking to me about the test at all.
I'm so insecure.