Hi, I'm new. Now to introduce you to my screwed up life.

Kirika's picture

First to introduce myself. I am a 15 year old lesbian. I am in the closet. I go to bording school, spend my life doing homework as a result. I am a cutter, just was found out at school about 4 weeks ago. I hate our school therapist who I am required to see at least once a week, and also dislike my R.A. I am in love with my best friend, the prettiest girl in the world, most likely straight. I live in the same dorm with her and at this point everyone I know likely knows that I am in love with her, except her. She won't notice no matter how hard I try to get her too. Actually I think she might just be ignoring it. Lately things have been really screwed up. She is the one who found out about my cutting and told the R.C. so things have been kind of uncomfortable lately. I am really afraid that if I tell her something that she will tell the R.C. , and even though I know she only told for my own good, things are different between us and it hurts. This weekend we were hanging out really lae at night and had the wonderfull timing to tell me that the R.C, the school theripist, and her roomates mom all think that I am gay. I didn't know how to react. I almost told her the truth but I just wasn't ready. I ended up getting like 2 hours of sleep. I was really shaken up. I was still so completely focused on not cutting that I was not ready to deal with being told something like that. And worse she still wasn't even considering the idea that I might be gay. In the same sentance that she told me all these people thought that I was gay she was still saying that they were wrong. To quote, "Everything inside me was saying no, your not like that." Nice thing to hear when your thinking about coming out huh. I informed her that I was questioning even though I have known for like 3 years that I am gay. I feel really bad because I care so much about her and I absolutely hate lying to her. Anyone else I can lie to. I can look right in our theripists face and say that I havn't cut and she will believe me, even when I was just cutting 5 minutes before our meeting, but I just can't do that with her. Whenever I try to hide anything I always end up telling her. I really wish that I wasn't at boarding school, then I wouldn't have to hide who I was every second of every day until I am ready to come out, but things are what they are and I guess I can't change the past. Sorry I guess I kind of wandered off my introduction huh. Guess i really needed to vent. I guess I'll continue this later.

Comments

jeff's picture

Separate issues...

I know nothing of cutting, so I'll leave that to the others here. That was invented after the 80s as near as I can tell.

However, on the girl front (like I know more about that?!?), you have two issues:

- coming out to your friend

- the fact that you like your friend

It is important not to lump these together. By coming out, you are only telling her you are into chicks, not into her. If this is already part of your discussions, well, she's "kind of, but not quite ready, but will probably come around if you did tell her" right now.

If for some reason you think she is also closeted, first of all, she isn't. But, since everyone keeps along this path anyway, despite the reality in front of them, and she asks you if you are interested in someone. Just say you wish you could find a lesbian version of her. It's better than saying you like her, sort of respects her boundaries, but in that "If you're a dyke, it's totally dental dams tonight" kind of way.

Jopurdy's picture

Yikes, girl i know exactly wh

Yikes, girl i know exactly where your coming from! I've been in boarding school for the past year and a half, and i just got kicked out about a month ago, but I understand how important it is to be in the closet...especially if your boarding school is affiliated with some type of religious denomination. My boyfriend told EVERYONE (well, there were only fifteen people at my school) that I was bi, and all the girl's freaked out--majorly. I went from being the Student Association president, to the biggest outcast imaginable--beating out some pretty big freaks for that title in the process. Am I ashamed of who I am? no, but the fact is, when your dorming, you see a lot more of them then they would like you to see if they think that you are a lesbian. I definitely wouldn't risk losing your friend by telling her. Your friendship IS more important then your feelings. however, if i were you i would try subtle flirting, just to see how she responds to it. If she flirts back, push it a little further...don't do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable, just test the waters.

If it's a sin to love you
Then in hell i'd rather be
Opposed to living a life with people
In heaven looking down on me

screv's picture

hmm

, ime in the exact same situation except that ime not gay. i hate the fakt i can tell the therapist wht i want, and not have to gues what she thinks (she types it all up on a computer lol). acording to her, ime so much more scred up than i seem... sounds bout right. but anywhay just to say, ur not allone