tarni's picture

Have I already written an entry by that name? Eh, I dunno. Oh well. If I have, I have. It's the perfect title for this entry, so I'm using it.

Why is it the perfect title? Because my oldest friend is sleeping in the next room right now. We worked out that we're coming up to the '10th Anniversary' of our friendship, which was really crazy. And I mean, seriously spaz. And because I'm in a memory mood, I'm gonna wander through it.

Way back in grade 1 was when we first actually met. I sat next to a girl (hmm.. she needs a name.. mm. Ella) and partway through the year, maybe three or four months, she introduced me to Kiki, now my oldest friend. What's odd is that me and Ella fought over who would be Kiki's best friend, which is also weird, because everyone else rejected Kiki- y'know how kids need a general reject? Anyway, I 'won' and didn't talk to Ella for the next four or five years.

Grade four screwed both of us up majorly. Kiki had been pretty poor all the time I'd known her(and it was a rich school, so that really sucked) but about halfway through grade 4 her parents had a nasty, violent divorce, and she was basically left to look after her brother and herself for the next few years. Maybe a month later, my older sister was in a horrific car crash, broke all her legs and hit her head and almost died. My parents spent most of their time and effort and love with her(Toria) for the next year or two, before they realised that I was totaly messed up by that.
So, we looked after each other for that time. We hit the books in a major way, and did the best work and projects in the year level, I'd say. And that isn't boasting. We were both royally mixed up kids by the end of primary school(grade 6) though. Loners, withdrawn from all the bitches and jerks at our school, with messes for familes, and unsure who we were.

Year 7 we were separated, going to different high schools. I went to a catholic all-girls bitchy school, and she went to a public co-ed school. Her first two years at that school weren't brilliant, continuing in the same vein as primary school, but I started making friends, albeit slowly. We drifted apart somewhat, simply because we were changing and learning so much more about ourselves.
End of year 8(Christmas/Summer holidays) she had her first kiss, and hooked up with the guy she met at a New Years Eve party. They broke up within a week or so, but it was then that I first realised how different we'd become. Now, I wasn't going to stop being her friend just because we were different, but I started feeling a little left out, simply because... I knew we'd get to a point where one of us wouldn't be able to understand the other.

So, over the last two years... *sigh* She's made many more friends, fallen in love and picked up a boyfriend. Her friendship group then decided to act up and everyone fell apart around her. One of her friends told her she'd been cutting, another literally broke down, another was raped and basically.. yeah. One of her boyfriends ex's suicided, and he copped lots of hatred from her friends who blamed him. Yeah.. she took it rough.

But, over the last two years, I've made many more friends, fallen in love and -almost- aquired a girlfriend. I actually do have a boyfriend, but unfortuntaely he's in America.. *sigh* So, we've had similar experiences.. up to there. Beyond that, quite different. I discovered that I was queer, and at the same time I was severely depressed and slashing myself. The girl I fell in love with played with me until I was completely messed up in the head, but I slowly got over her. Then she and her group told the school about the journal I had here, and I lost the 'friends' I made, and had a really tough time of my own, but for my own problems rather than helping others with theirs.

And I said nothing. Not a word. Nada.

She told me all her problems, triumphs and general daily life... I slowly fell silent, until now, I don't think she knows me. Even as a list, she doesn't know I'm queer, was depressed, used to cut, am a loner once more, have no one I want to call a close or 'best' friend, even her... I.. hell.

I don't know.



the mouse that roared's picture


That's one huge story you have there. It sounds interesting, though. I suppose that might be becuase I'm not living it.

The eleven-year anniversary of my friendship with my neighbor Alan is coming up. If he lives to reach it.

We haven't REALLY talked for about six months, and things haven't been awkward between us in over a year. Since before his first and second girlfriend (who he's still dating now). Since before I got really jealous... And we live right across the street, too. It shouldn't be that hard just to go see him--but I haven't... and he has advanced liver disease, so he'll be dead in a few months unless an organ donor with a matching blood type dies first. Yeah.

Things he doesn't know about me: I'm queer, I have a crush on the same girl he had a crush on a few years ago, I'm sort of over him, my parents are fighting more, I don't really have anyone I would consider a "best" or even close friend...

And I don't really want to blab everything to him: after all, he's sick and he has all his own worries. But I suppose he can talk to Kate, his girlfriend. And I've been talking to no one.

Wow, I wrote way too much about myself here. I guess I just saw kind of where you were coming from, at least in the drifting apart ness. Though I suppose it's not a direct parallel or anything...