My Life Is Fucked UP

KieBem81's picture

Ahem* * *

bah...bah....so i have this feeling of life blows...why??

because well it does...im gay..i didnt choose to be gay- btw i dont like the word lesbian- i dont know why- i just dont like it....who knows why...so yeah...well for a while i was in denial and w/e and sad and all that crap that comes along with internal emotional conflict....and then i got over it and was fine....now i feel crappy...

why- because i have realized no matter how good i am at anything - i will always be that gay chick or that weird girl- and it bothers me - cause all my life all i ever wanted was to be good enough and to make my parents and family proud....and well that mentality has fucked me over for the last 19 years...i also if you didnt know - suffered and still fight against eating disorders in general....it began my freshman yr of high school...has been haunting me ever since..i am better but sometimes i scare myself...especially when i get sad - thats when i get weak...in general though ive gotten better...and now at this very moment - i feel like i dont give a fuck about what anybody else thinks..but unfortunately i cant do that- my family is a big deal to me - i love them so much - each and every one of them- but i feel when they find out- if they do - it will be bad- i will get cut off and who knows what will happen -

the idea scares me to death.....i only want to be happy....and it sucks because i feel i deserve it - i have never done anything bad so to speak....one thing maybe- is i hit a car once when parking and took off but i did it so my parents wouldnt get mad..seriosuly i dont deserve this pain and suffering i have been given to bear..why do i have to be the gay one...the smart one and the one who had it all going but has obviously fucked it up cause im gay ....

i feel like my parents have prob given up on me....i mean they care about me but all we do is fight...and we'll we never mention my sexuality really but i know it bothers them no matter how many times they tell me they still love me....

being gay- i cant help it- and i wonder why it had to be me...seriosuly why would god do this ...if he exists...why ??%^$%^$

..i dont even know where im going with this..but i feel better now after letting this all out...

anyway...the reason i have gone off like this is i think someone from my family has found out....and well i actually am close to him..i love him to death..but i think hes avoiding contact with me...and it kills me..so i cant even talk about it with him..or beg him to be silent...its a matter of time...a ticking bomb....my life could seriousuly be fucked up...sighs***

cnn* :(

Comments

niks121997's picture

:Thinks:

It's at times like these that I wish everyone was completely accepting of anything and everything. I really don't like the thought of you being unhappy, but I don't know what to do to make you feel better. I can't say "Oh don't worry about what others think since it doesn't matter" because that's a huge lie. I also can't really say that things will get better; I mean I hope they will, but there are no real absolutes when it comes to acceptance. I guess all I can say is that I'm here if you wish to talk.

Oh, yeah and you're not fucked up. I promise.

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Jopurdy's picture

I know it sounds dumb, and al

I know it sounds dumb, and although being gay is hard because it means you are in a minority, you have to think about the positive things about being this way. I mean, for the first sixteen years of my life i used to just go home, cry for hours, and basically just yell and plead with God to miraculously "change" my feelings so that i wouldn't go to hell. But now I believe that I am this way for a reason, even though I'm not quite sure what that reason is. I'm finally happy with myself the way I am, and I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. I intend to enjoy my life, and if I have to lose some or all of my family and friends because of something i cannot help then so be it. anyways, i do hope that you can find a reason to be happy. and i hope you realize that you don't have to conform to the way that everyone else wants or expects you to be, because your life isn't over just because you are gay.

If it's a sin to love you
Then in hell i'd rather be
Opposed to living a life with people
In heaven looking down on me

Aedyn's picture

Oh hun...

Damn do you need a hug. I wish I was there to give you it, but I'm holding out my arms all the same for you anyway.

Now, I know almost exactly how you feel. I read your entry and was completely baffled at how alike it was to my experience. I so know how you feel, though I can't say how things'll turn out. All I know is that sometimes, people can surprize you. I was kind of outed by a member of my family, so it was scary for me. I eventually told everybody and they ended up being cool about it.

It does suck being different. In any respect. But really, the only way you're ever going to be happy is if you accept yourself. It takes time, and I'm still working on it myself. We've just got to hope for the best.

Hope you feel better.

You can never beat time, but you can sure put up a hell of a fight.

ACCgirl's picture

:-(

"being gay- i cant help it- and i wonder why it had to be me...seriosuly why would god do this ...if he exists...why ??"

I ask myself the same question all the time. And I don't know if there is an answer to that, but all I know is a person can't change how he or she feels about the people around them. For most people I know, being gay isn't a choice. They just...are.

I hope for your sake that this family member that you love accepts you when/if he finds out. You do deserve to be happy, and if other people decide that you don't have the right to happiness because of who you choose to love, they're wrong.

As long as you know that, you can move forward. And you have not screwed anything up by being gay. You still have life going for you. :)

KieBem81's picture

thank you -all of you-

from the bottom of my heart i express my thanks *hugs*- cliche i know but its true- its moments like this where i find that oasis truly helps- its a place where i know somene knows what it is i am going through- i was talking with a friend once and we were discussing how a straight person can never understand what it entails to be gay- as for myself i have accepted who i am-

i know what i am - i know what i want- and i know where i want to go- but for now seeing as im still close to home and my extremely conservative family things are on hold-

its not that im ashamed of who i am- i guess i just dont want to deal with them and all the drama im sure will come- ACC- you said you hope my family is accepting - that is my ultimate wish- but as much as i try to be optimistic- i am close to them and i know them- ive heard them bash gays- ridicule them and whatever and i just dont want to even go there- i plan on keeping my sexuality from them - unless i am outed....so who knows...i have a few realtives who i think i will tell..but time will tell....

but once again thank you guys aedyn,jopurdy,niks &acc...i really mean it...

like you guys said- i cant change who i am-so i might as well fight to be happy-

cnn*