zoe rose's picture

shit...alexander, my friend, is acting up and i dont know but all this shit is
happening. im back home now, but we have a rat so we cant stay here at
night...and i was sobbing yesterday at the airport in front of all these kids and ugh.
but see- adrian, my ex, called me and was being really nice to me, and kind of flirting even, but i dont know if he actually meant to. maybe thats just how he is, but like, i was telling this girl from my school about how he is being way too nice to me and that i hate it because if he asks me out i would say yes, and then she called alex, who is adrians best friend, and says ive been telling everyone that he asked me out and that im all upset over it. so when i called alex yesterday she was sort of pissed at me. but we figured it out and that was okay...but then i said, but alex, i really cant start liking him, i cant, and shes like why not? and i say, alex, i cant! and she is kind of like why and so i dont know what to say, im just like, i CANT alex!!!
and then shes like, OH, right. I get it.
and hangs up.
and i have no idea what she means, i have no idea what is going on and im pmsing so it makes everything five times worse than it is, and how it is IS pretty bad already...
so i spent the day yesterday sobbing and trying to get a hold of her, and missing adrian and hoping he doesnt hate me and then thinking about anne and then wishing i wasnt bi and just straight because it would be so much easier, and then i would look at a girl and i know that i cant help it, i know i cant and i start crying again i i just want all this confusion gone and over with, i want to be proud of it, but i dont want to face the consequences i dont want to be this different...but god i dont know what to think and im just so fucking emotional. i hate myself.
So like, im just freaking out and waiting for sophie to call so i can have someone to comfort me in this godforsaken time.
i hate this.


the mouse that roared's picture

aw *hugs*

I know how the accepting-queerness thing works. I want to be proud, but I'm not there yet.

Hang in there, you'll get through this.