I had a mental breakdown this morning. All weekend I thought I would be fine. Having I.S.S. today didn't really seem like a big deal. It wasn't upsetting me at all. Besides, what's the big deal about sitting in a room all day doing nothing? But it triggered a whole morning of sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. I woke up arond 8:15 and totally lost it. How stupid is that? Having I.S.S. for being late to school and getting to school late on the day that I have it. Urgh! So I threw some books into my bag to keep me busy all day and sat on my bed crying for a while before I could get myself to go downstairs. Once I was downstairs, I got my meds out and before I knew what what was going on, I was slamming my glass of water down on the counter, throwing my meds onto the counter and storming out of the room screaming about not wanting to take meds anymore. Mom followed me and asked if I wanted to stay home today. I really did want to just get my day of I.S.S. over with so that I could go to school tomorrow and see my friends and try to get things back to normal (because I missed 3 days of school last week).
But don't worry, I wasn't flipping out just because of I.S.S. and my meds. I'm not that crazy...yet. I really do feel discouraged lately. My meds don't seem to be doing anything, and I don't feel like I'm making any progress at all in therapy. I'm so frustrated. And I'm so sick of being by myself. I get crushes but no one ever likes me back. Just once it would be nice if someone would crush on me. Or if one of my crushes liked me back. But I never seem to be good enough for anyone. My reputation as the school "lesbo" might have something to do with it. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Schist.
Have you ever disliked someone so much that just the thought of their name made your insides churn? It's like everyone in this town is one of those people to me. I can't stand anyone here. Everyone is so judgemental, and everyone thinks they know everything about everyone else. They're sheltered.
At lunch on Friday I was sitting with my friends and somehow we got onto the topic of breasts. I said something, and this freshman looked at me and he said, "God damn, why are you talking about boobs? You must be a fuckin' lesbo." I can't remember what I said to him, but it wasn't much. I can't find the energy to retaliate anymore. Even just to say, "mind your own business." I'm just so sick of it. I've said all of this before...I don't know of anything else to say. It seems like everything I write is about the same topic. It's all the same words, just in a different order each time.
I'm going no where. Everyone around me is moving on, their lives are changing and they're looking towards the future. I'm in a staring match with my past and I can't seem to win.