"down down down...
pick me up i'm falling..."
the woman from which it is said i was forced out off... is driving me insane.
i need to get out of this house. the way that woman goes on and on about everything i am, that is, everything she thinks i am ( fuck she doesnt even know the half of it) and how its not right, or its not enough or ... ugh i dunno anymore, bottom line is i need to change, she says.
her words are like vomit.
misquoted bible verses lie in chunks on the floor, floating on a thick caramel/creamy pungent smelling sea of public opinions and drama.
"homosexuals are the sickest form or human beings" she said on sunday after church as we walked out of the tall,gothic, haunted ( by the ghost of 'the savior'... save me then mother fucker.... ) structure she calls church... i call it the house of hipocrisy.
how dare they (the bitch i call mother and friends-inc.) stand there singing hymns of mercy/asking for mercy/ asking to be merciful...when they find it so difficult to ...ugh
My 'mother's little comment on homosexuals only came up after the very first OUTWARDLY gay ( and proud to be gay) man i have ever seen in this city walked up the aisle at church to recieve 'holy communion' ( ah catholics!) and 100 eyes followed his every sway and step with obvious disgust and disapproval." who's son is that?" some whispered...
save your people for they do not know what they are doing.
as i sat there during the service, watching this gay dude and the eyes that followed him, a part of me rejoiced at the sight of 'a man free', another part chuckled while thinking " oh fuck, he's soooo gay, i feel like i'm in san fransisco..." and another part envied him...
he just had this " yes, i am gay, shoot me why dont you... no really i dare you"- look on his face.
whereas i lack an identity.
i'm just a heap of denial...
an equal to the regurgitated ideals/ideas lying on the floor in a caramel mess...
i'm the worst kinda vomit... i KNOw what i am doing, howi am lying, and i keep on doing it.
i'm a coward
and hardly a rebel, but a wanna be.
i'm just foam... from a distance thick and white, looking like i'm something yet really, you take a closer look and oh snap!- i'm nothing, just nothing beautifully coated in a thin layer of slippery, stupid lies.
i detest me.
still hate my mother.
starting to hate catholics
this post was soooooooooo incoherent.
i need a smoke.