vomit, ii just wanna .... live???- damn good charlotte

Tjedza's picture

"down down down...

pick me up i'm falling..."

the woman from which it is said i was forced out off... is driving me insane.
i need to get out of this house. the way that woman goes on and on about everything i am, that is, everything she thinks i am ( fuck she doesnt even know the half of it) and how its not right, or its not enough or ... ugh i dunno anymore, bottom line is i need to change, she says.

her words are like vomit.
misquoted bible verses lie in chunks on the floor, floating on a thick caramel/creamy pungent smelling sea of public opinions and drama.
"homosexuals are the sickest form or human beings" she said on sunday after church as we walked out of the tall,gothic, haunted ( by the ghost of 'the savior'... save me then mother fucker.... ) structure she calls church... i call it the house of hipocrisy.
how dare they (the bitch i call mother and friends-inc.) stand there singing hymns of mercy/asking for mercy/ asking to be merciful...when they find it so difficult to ...ugh
fuck it.

My 'mother's little comment on homosexuals only came up after the very first OUTWARDLY gay ( and proud to be gay) man i have ever seen in this city walked up the aisle at church to recieve 'holy communion' ( ah catholics!) and 100 eyes followed his every sway and step with obvious disgust and disapproval." who's son is that?" some whispered...
ah christ,
save your people for they do not know what they are doing.

as i sat there during the service, watching this gay dude and the eyes that followed him, a part of me rejoiced at the sight of 'a man free', another part chuckled while thinking " oh fuck, he's soooo gay, i feel like i'm in san fransisco..." and another part envied him...
he just had this " yes, i am gay, shoot me why dont you... no really i dare you"- look on his face.
whereas i lack an identity.
i'm just a heap of denial...
an equal to the regurgitated ideals/ideas lying on the floor in a caramel mess...
i'm the worst kinda vomit... i KNOw what i am doing, howi am lying, and i keep on doing it.
i'm a coward
and hardly a rebel, but a wanna be.

i'm just foam... from a distance thick and white, looking like i'm something yet really, you take a closer look and oh snap!- i'm nothing, just nothing beautifully coated in a thin layer of slippery, stupid lies.

yuck.

i detest me.
still hate my mother.
starting to hate catholics

this post was soooooooooo incoherent.

:(
i need a smoke.

Comments

bibibutterfly's picture

I am so sorry that you have t

I am so sorry that you have to put up with that kind of environment. I have pretty accepting parents, and I am still scared to tell them my sexuality. You should definetely just get away for a bit. go for a walk, visit a friends house, something. If I were in your position I would probably scream if I did not get away.
oh, and maybe this is not a good time to say so, but you are an amazing writer, wonderful metaphors.
I hopeit gets better

Tayli

Tjedza's picture

woo thanks, e images are a bi

woo thanks, e images are a bit disgustin tho'-
feelin mch better now...
uh you're right i need to get out of here... ;)

"the source of our insecurity has likewise become our intelligence. we know, deep in our hearts that our lives are but a fantasy, bravado- method acting."