cheaters never prosper...liars burn in hell...& lying cheats lose their soul

Tjedza's picture

i fell in love with a boy once and his name was Kc. ( short for kundai chengetai.. yeah kc was a lot easier for A LOT of people. ;))
yeah and he moved away to england... and well
you ever get that " i shoulda said.. could have said... " feeling??
it came real strong for me just today... oh well.

the following is a conversation i had on msn ( just a few hours ago) with my ex boyfriend from like... a year and a half ago...
my last attempt at monogamy.
the only boy i actually ever actively dated.

( a little key ( for the Zim slang thats used often)
sha= friend.
iwe= hey dude...!
touching= depressing
by my pat= by my self
gwan= issue

------------------------------------------------
he says:
Hey u
selekta says:
hey kid
selekta says:
FINALLY, i found you!
he says:
"kid" interesting, since wen did i bcum a kid and i thot i was the 1 lookin 4 u
selekta says:
baby you was always a kid
selekta says:
nooooooooooo... i kept getting your mail ad wrong coz its so friggin long.
selekta says:
kase_the_magic in ur email ad... haha magic 4 who exactly??
he says:
4u
he says:
nah im playin, thats wat all my brotherz call me
selekta says:
aw, you still swiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
selekta says:
hmm hows it up north?
selekta says:
ay sha, im getting friggin exam results tomorrow, damn- you gotta help me get it off my mind.... tell me something interesting
he says:
ewww, results!!!! well im sure u will be all cool n'stuff, how was the rest of ur holiday and u new year n'stuff, did u do anything interestin
selekta says:
nah, i was actually quite chilled- i just went out to borrowdale on new years,
selekta says:
haha i was just getting wasted with vino, his gunther homie and these peterhouse chiks... it was kinda fucked up
selekta says:
what was you up to?
he says:
yeah i heard i heard, heard u had a bit too much fun wit out me
selekta says:
what...
selekta says:
k heard from who exactly....
selekta says:
but sha you know my heart was with you!!!
selekta says:
iwe!! kc, tell me who was stalking me.
he says:
well i thot u wud be tellin me that
selekta says:
nah, it aint like that. . . honestly speaking i wouldnt remember anything anyway.
selekta says:
you know its kinda hard to believe that you're like all the way over there, and i'm all the way over here, its like i actually wanna holla at you PROPERLY so bad but...
selekta says:
i dunno maybe its the distance,
selekta says:
or possibly its the fact that you kinda hate me,
selekta says:
that limits me...
he says:
as usuall always too intoxicated
he says:
why wud i hate u
selekta says:
ah you can go fuck yourself
selekta says:
i dunno, i just always used to get that vibe when i talked to you etc, when yo ass was still in this joint,
selekta says:
i always found it kinda hard to make a move or whatever coz... well i was scared you would tel l me to go fuck myself
he says:
becoz i was THE 1 that always used 2 call u and bug u i hate u....?
selekta says:
hehe yes
he says:
like out of all my girlfriends u the only 1 ive ever loved
he says:
and you like jus didnt care
he says:
and ended up breakin my heart
he says:
and i kept going back
selekta says:
thats actually quite touching,
selekta says:
you know i NEVER meant to hurt you.
he says:
se...ri...ous
selekta says:
you was my baby, kase- you was more than the "magic" that you claim to be now...
selekta says:
you were the reason.
selekta says:
i would spend sleepless nights thinkin about us...
selekta says:
and out of ALL the dudes i've ever been with ...
selekta says:
you were the one i felt even MORE than love for...
selekta says:
you were the one that could make me feel ( in general)
selekta says:
just as easily as you could make me laugh ( and lord knows you;re a funny one sometimes)
selekta says:
you could also make me cry ( everytime you THOUGHT i played you out)
selekta says:
eee i'm like typing by my pat now...holla if you still awake.
he says:
thats so strange but u like really really really played wit me cause u knew i was so HOOKED
he says:
so thats why i thot it was a 1 person relationship
he says:
and that u like didnt even cum close to likin me
he says:
as much as i liked u
selekta says:
ah, noo baby
he says:
+ u had ur lil thingy wit Vanz so i knew i was jus a thing in the past
selekta says:
what?! me+ evans= not even comparable to what i had with even a FRACTION of you.
selekta says:
but i wont lie- i guess i fucked up, in the sense that i failed to show exactly HOW much i loved you.
selekta says:
fact is, i felt it so strong that it was hard to translate in actions, and in words... it still is.
selekta says:
perhaps, i always needed to be a little more mature with you, coz hehe some of the things i said were fucked up...
he says:
hmm...
he says:
thats like the cutest thing u've ever sad 2 me

he says:
c, u do have a heart after all
selekta says:
haha, fuck you--- but i mean every word i say
selekta says:
hmm
selekta says:
even the fuck you bit
selekta says:
coz i always wanted to
he says:
thats cute, so wen i cum back if u haven't found urself a lil sme1 maybe we could....
selekta says:
of course baby- "signed sealed delivered.. i'm yours"
selekta says:
eh, i got a question tho'
selekta says:
how come you always found it difficult to actually TELL me everything you're saying now... over the phone/in person?
selekta says:
its like for the past year and a few months i never ACTUALLY knew what happened between us.
he says:
i didnt find it difficult, i jus wasn't going to coz i figured u wudn't care
he says:
+ everytime i tried 2c u, u wud find an excuse
selekta says:
yes that does make a lot of sense.
selekta says:
on the contrary, i only made 'excuses' coz i cared too much, i was scared that i was gonna try and kiss you and you would tell me to fuck off or some shit...
selekta says:
ah but dont worry, i know and will continue 2 admit it... i fucked up. i'm sorry kc. i'm sorry i caused you grief
he says:
se...ri...ous!!!!!
he says:
nah, im sowee if im frontin like a lil girl
he says:
well it doesn't matter nw
selekta says:
why not
he says:
coz we like all grown up nw and thats like yesterdayz gwan
selekta says:
yeah a yesterday's guan that will only set TODAY straight.
selekta says:
i dunno about you, mr kase the magic -but these are life-changing gwans for me...
coz now it only means that despite the distance factor, i can finally tell the ONE guy i actually lurvvved to the core of my heart that i DO love him with everything i am, without any fucking fears/limitations.
selekta says:
i love you kase
he says:
i loved you Tjedza.

---------------------------------------

our conversation kinda ended there but there was always so much unfinished business between us

yikes, his last statement just made me weep- not cry- but weep. just lament the loss of a loved one. he's gone.
i still do love him... but i hate the way that i was always full of feeble excuses, i hate the way that i hooked up with his best friend straight after we broke up...
whichever way. life's very fair in the end... karma's coming back with a vengeance.

when did i lose my heart?
when did i start omitting the truth and filling the gaps with lies??
when did i stop loving myself?
why does everyday hurt so...?