contemplation

milee13's picture

The only problem with the fact that she asked me straight out is that a)I wasn't quite sure at the time, and b) She wanted me to say no. I'm the sixth of seven children, statistically speaking it's not all that surprising that I'm gay, she was bound to get at least one of us.... Denial is a really great thing. She wasn't so much suspicious out of true conviction but rather because of my reading material (nothing dirty). I'm starting a collection of gay centered fiction and non fiction books. That's pretty much what she based her suspicions on as that's what we we're discussing at the time, I was only half participating in the conversation and that's why I refer to myself as being all tuned out in the car on the way to school. This incident actually took place about four months ago when she asked me what I wanted for christmas while taking me to school, I said books, she asked what kind, I told her, and than about a block from the school she asked me if I was gay. I don't actually read lesbian fiction so I'm not really sure how my reading gay male fiction made her think I was gay...she did in fact tell me that was why she asked. Up until that point, meaning all of a month prior she had thought that I was dating one of my best friends, either that or madly in love with him and he with me...I really don't know where she got that idea.
If she had asked me completely out of the blue then I would think that she really suspected something, then again maybe she just has really bad timing.
Her asking me and then an incident at a party involving my being cornered by some of my friends at four a.m. just because I use the term 'significant other'has really put me into a self contemplative state the past two months. I had never really thought about telling anyone before that, I just kind of drifted along like it was no big deal, not confirming or denying that I was straight. National coming out day in october struck a bit of a chord and then day of silence earlier this month made me feel hypocritical, which I loathe.
I want to tell people but at the same time I don't because I hate the idea of alienating them or being alienated by them.
I spent some time in a really small town during my freshamn year and was accused of everything from being a witch to satan just because I'm not religious, but they never accused me of being gay. I think it's my selfishness and fear of being treated like crap again that keeps me from telling anyone.