Headaches, Therapy, Sex, Europe

Daisy's picture

Hey everybody. I haven't posted in awhile, and it felt like it was time.

I had this amazing headache yesterday. It felt like my head was opening up. It was bad enough that I was hallucinating. Fortunately, it didn't last very long.

I started therapy today. My parents didn't make me, just... Encouraged it. A lot. I was pretty nervous going in, but it went totally fine. Turns out she's Jewish (as am I), and works a lot with queer youth (total bonus). So all in all it seems like a good fit. She told me that she doesn't think there is anthing wrong with me, which was nice. :). She also said she's sure I'm not clinically depressed (which I knew, of course), unlike both my parents... She said thinks it's more likely a manic thing. Because I talk so fast. I thought that was kind of funny.

I think I am going to end up sleeping with my boyfriend in the next few weeks (thereby losing my virginity). My mom is buying me birth control. It's all kinda weird cause 1) he's not a virgin 2) though I like making out etc with him, I always feel sort of disconnected from it, and not at all as interested as he is 3) though I like him A LOT we are buy no means "in love" and 4) we've been together for like six weeks. So yeah, it's pretty strange. I figure we'll just keep doing everything but for awhile, until it's not all shocking and weird any more, and then have sex.

I am scared that, although I am physically attracted to guys, I am not capapable of forming a genuine emotional connection with them, and thus not capapble of a "real" relationship. This freaks me out. And what the hell does THAT make me? "I'm a bisexual who is functionally a lesbian. And yes, I do have the most complicated interpretation of sexual identity ever."

In other news, I'm going on a school trip to Europe later in the month, from April 26th through May 5th. We're spending five days in Paris, two in Barcelona, and three in Madrid. I'm really excited. This will be my first trip to Europe, and almost all my friends are going... :D

Comments

taste the rainbow's picture

hey, I'm jewish too. or half,

hey, I'm jewish too. or half, my dads jewish, moms chinese. anyways i know how you feel about relationships with guys, the physical attraction, but feeling unable to have an emotional connection with them. six months is a long time! the longest I'v been able to go out with a guy is two and a half weeks! It's like at first I'm attracted to them, but when I get close to them, I freak out cuz' it just feels so wrong and gross.

FlameFish08's picture

enjoyable journal

hey, i dont like have any advice or anything...i just wanted to write you a litlle something. First off, i noticed a comment you gave me, and some of the comments you wrote to other people, and i think theyre really good. You give really good advice and have this really positive and practical attitude about stuff. Also, this jouranl was enjoyable to read, just because it was like a little note from your life. That sucks that u have to go to therapy, but its awesome that the therapist is cool. i'm also jewish, so that was aa cool connection. well, got to go, but until next time...