Today during lunch my friend pierced my ears in the backseat of her boyfriend's car. It was fun. It hurt, but in a good way. I love doing stuff like that... Afterwards is the only time I feel calm. Ever.
I've been having this horrible recurring nightmare where I see my (eleven year old) brother's arms and they are covered with cuts and scratches, in grids and patterns, obviously self-inflicted. I wake up sick and terrified. These dreams are so much more disturbing than any I've had before.
In the most recent one, we're in this weird house that I dream about a lot... It's this crazy building with rooms inside rooms and half-floors and other weird shit where my whole extended family lives together. I noticed the cuts during dinner, so, very angry, I took him aside, and said, "What the hell is this?"
"You told me to."
"You said I had to bleed so that we could be free."
I woke up shaking, about to be sick. It was so scary. I was so relieved to remember that he is just a normal, happy kid, and doesn't have those kinds of problems.
I guess the dreams probably mean that on some level I feel guilty about my self-mutilation, like it's hurting those around me. Also, those encounters with my family where they have confronted me about it have been extremely disturbing, so it's reasonable that I'd dream about them, even if from the opposite perspective. And as I said, he's eleven, which is how old I was when it started.
In other news, though I really like my boyfriend, I've been feeling like, in terms of just basic attraction, I probably prefer women. If only because it is sooo much easier for me to connect to them emotionally.
Hope things are reasonably well with anybody who read all of this. :)