my very own tear jerker...

poetry nymph's picture

Chained in Pain
4-6-05

Sweet innocence.
All gone away.
Washed down the drain.
With tears of blood and pain.
Watching my life’s sustenance.
Leak from wounds I can still see.
In the ghosts of my dreams.
Slowly, taking my sanity.
Never having known.
The happiness that could be.
Crying all night long.
For the things I lost.
Searching for my own identity.
My many lovers.
Sharp and convincing.
Cleanly cutting through flesh and bone.
The scar tissue all that I have.
To remember a time.
When my life was not mine.
All the sweet innocence that had appeared to be.
Was not even there.
I realized no one even knew me.
They sought not what was truly me.
But an image of what they thought I should be.
Lost to my own friends and family.
Cutting through the pain.
Never having anything to gain.
Just lost...
Alone on an empty plain.
The sand blowing through the gaps in my hair.
As I cried and let the world know I was bare.
Even then they saw nothing.
That truly was.
They saw what they wanted.
And when my screams echoed through the flat emptiness of my mind.
I could render myself helpless.
Knowing I had run out of time.
Not finding breath.
Not finding hope.
Only seeing it there.
My inevitable death.
I heard tears from beyond.
The boundaries I had built.
Not knowing what had gone wrong.
Feeling only pain and guilt.
Through knife and fire.
Passion and hate.
Cruelty was born.
Something I could almost not sate.
On my knees.
At the alter I had carved.
To sacrifice myself.
To an unsightly god.
My selfish hating prideful pain.
Pouring right out of me over and over again.
As I brought forth the blood that would ruin my name.
My own and that my mother had gave.
I bled on the stone.
I bled for too long.
Lost a piece of myself.
That is now gone.
The red, so captivating.
Chasing away my sanity.
Lost it completely.
No longer wiping away the tears.
Not willing to hold a hand.
Just lying, crying.
As I felt myself dying.
Having been alone.
Lost inside my own head.
With the sound of nothingness.
Driving me insane instead.
There was no limit.
I could have known.
I would have bled every last drop.
Onto that hard cold stone.
And when death alighted.
Upon my vision so soon.
I turned back to say goodbye.
And was surprised.
When she was there.
My sister’s face, horrified.
Having come so close.
And learning the value I always had.
I look back now.
And know that not all things turn out bad...