Pressure

Daisy's picture

-- This is a prose poem I'm working on... It's kinda corny. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. --

Pressure

In my dreams I see you standing. You hold yourself up straight and tall like your father said you should. Your head is level with the horizon. Your eyelashes look almost heavy, and your eyelids are two nervous butterflies that can't quite stay still.
Your presence is the only one for miles. The sky above you is black and blue, purple and gray, bruised by the simple fact of you, by the plain truth of you standing up straight. You are irrefutable. Doubtless.
The wind starts to pick up, turning dust around your feet.
The light that breaks through the clouds is your own.

Comments

Blue_Fighter's picture

i think its good :P i love th

i think its good :P i love this part
"The sky above you is black and blue, purple and gray, bruised by the simple fact of you, by the plain truth of you standing up straight. You are irrefutable. Doubtless."
very cool

Tjedza's picture

its okay i guess

as much as i would love to be agreeable, i disagree.
its an okay attempt- you really need to polish up on a quite a few things-
"your eyelashes look almost heavy.."- why almost?
and your eyelids are two nervous butterflies..." why like butterflies.. why not the eyelashes fluttering like butterflies?-
and why would his/her eyelids be fluttering- it obscures the image of this guy/girl standing tall etc... i dunno
"your presence is the only one for miles.." something is Wrong with that sentence.. it just doesnt sound right.
the ned bit however.... is much better- it actuallly has some sense of rhythm and flow..

"the source of our insecurity has likewise become our intelligence. we know, deep in our hearts that our lives are but a fantasy, bravado- method acting."