the guinea pig strikes again!

pixies_in_the_underworld's picture

Ok, there is one thing that I detest most in the world, and that is being the so called "guinea pig" for all of my gay, bi, or questioning friends. It's not that I have a lot of friends who are part of the community, or out yet, but so far I've done it three times, and being the tester is not as fun as it seems. The first girl that used me, well it was mutual (but in my defense i thought it would be more than ONCE!), is now one of my best friends, but she'd rather do every other girl in the world but me (she says this quite often actually). My other friend thought she was bi in december, then proceeded to make out with me in the middle of the dance floor at winter formal (and had it not been for the fact I was high on adrenaline from the dancing, I wouldn't've kissed back, because even though she's really hot I'm not attracted to her in the slightest). After those two instances of being used then cast asidefor other girls or guys who were more "worthy" of their attention, I swore to myself that I would never again participate in something so humiliating, but lately another one of my best friends has been going through the most painful questioning phase I have ever seen. Seriously, she wasn't able to sleep, was completely stressed, and looked like a wreck, so I decided to do her a favor since she was trying so hard not to ask me to help her get it over with. Thank goodness I only had to kiss her, because again, she's really pretty but she's a really good friend of mine, and not make out with her...It turns out that she's straight (she was jumping for joy), we hung out for the rest of the day without any kind of awkwardness, and I spent the night. I'm very happy that I helped my friend, and I know this sounds selfish, but I'm really angry and hurt that I lowered myself to that level again because I promised myself the next time I kissed a girl I'd want her, she'd want me back, and I'd get at least a second kiss! I'm really upset and tired of being used. This time I promise myself that I'll find someone who doesn't want me as a test subject, but as something more like a girlfriend...or fling that lasts for more than five minutes. I'm just pissed right now, at the world, at my poor friend, and mostly at myself.