Hi everyone, I'm back! I've been too busy to come on for a while. And my mom's been working nonstop in the computer room before she got laid off last Friday (and after, too... for some reason she felt an obligation to finish a project without pay for the company that fired her...). And I didn't go on when she was there, because she suspects my queerness way too much already.
I've been rather insecure and angry at myself a lot lately. And it kind of reduces me to hardly speaking at all, or telling myself I sounded really stupid when I do. It's not good. I think I'm losing touch with reality, with what to think, so insecurity is moving in instead. Since I've started questioning most thoughts that run through my head, searching for truth and denial, I've withdrawn further and further into myself. And hated myself more and more. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Anyway, I signed up for the Day of Silence today. I was late, because I had to make up a math quiz after school before I could go to the meeting. But I felt really nervous, because I know I'm queer if no one else does. I didn't know how I should act. Here are all these straight (mostly) people who are supporting ME, even if they don't know it. So this senior tells me to sign my name up. I do and turn to--I don't even know what I'm going to do next. The girl stops me and I attempt to put my bag on the desk behind me, but end up leaning nervously and shakily against the desk. I feel like "GAY" is branded across my forehead and everyone's staring at me.
"And you should wear black and white, and come by the morning of the 13th to pick up your card explaining why you aren't talking and your black ribbon." The girl finishes.
"OK. Can I go now?" I need to find someplace other than my hands to put my nervous fidget.
"Yup. That's it." I turn and walk out of the health room.
From the open door behind me, I can hear people saying, "I'm not sure if I can do it." "It's going to be hard." The health teacher says how it will be wierd at luch with all these kids not talking... I smile a bit to myself. The Day of Silence is a good idea.
Even if I feel like an idiot for some inexplicable reason.