Waiting for someone to throw a grenade in my face.

Anonymous's picture

My anxiety is winning again. The whole point of this alternative gym thing was to get my anxiety to let up so that I can pass gym for the year. But it almost seems like it has gotten worse. The guidance counselor -- actually, I think she's a school psychologist or something...I'll just call her the Psycho. Anyways, I was in the hall with my friend and Psycho walked by and she said "Olivia, you need to see me. We had a meeting yesterday 3rd period." Well, I had completely forgotten because we had a week long break. She didn't even give me a chance to tell her I forgot, she just gave me this disgusting look like I did something terribly wrong and everything was my fault. It's because things like that, that I want to hate everyone here. And it makes me want to avoid gym even more. I really don't want to talk to her tomorrow, but I have to. Once again, I'm left wishing and wishing that there was some way I could get out of gym.
Yesterday I couldn't find the gym teacher anywhere. I thought I was supposed to show her my journal plan (I have to keep track of what I do at home and how long I spent doing it, etc.) but I guess I have to show it to Psycho. I didn't know what to do, so I sat out for almost half the period and then decided to walk and get credit for the day even though I really didn't want to. But the thing that bothered me was that while I was walking around the gym everyone was looking at me like I was an idiot. Walking was what we had to do if we came unprepared for the last unit, so everyone in the class probably thought I was a moron. I'm so paranoid, I can't stand it. It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks, but it still gets to me. I feel like I'm losing control and that paranoia is going to take over my life. I'll be that person sitting on the bench in town talking to myself and looking around like I'm waiting for someone to throw a grenade in my face.
I'm so frustrated with life. I'm angry with myself -- why can't I just get past this? But I know that's a stupid question because I know that I will get past this someday. I just can't stand that I'm wasting so much time trying to get my meds just right, trying to get to know my counselor, trying to come to terms with the past. I feel like the past is holding me back, like I won't get anywhere until I deal with my thoughts and feelings about it.
Every day goes by in such a strange way. I'm there, but it feels like I'm not there. I'm really worried about my grades and know that there are a few classes I probably won't pass for the year, but I'm still struggling just to open my backpack each night. Some nights I don't...I just shrug it off and plan on doing my work during 3rd period study hall. Which I never do, because it's one of the two times every day that I can try to relax a little bit. I just feel like dropping dead. I don't know if anything I've written has made sense, but I'm too *blah* to read it over.

Comments

niks121997's picture

...

This post made me sad.

"I'm there, but it feels like I'm not there."

Actually it sounds like something I would write. I don't have any wonderful words to say so I'll settle with these. We're here for you.

"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful that it is no worse than it is."

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."