I am afloat amidst a sea of printed papers, buoyed only by the scent of overripe strawberries. Trying not to dip my head under, for fear of being swallowed up by the monsters hidden in the words. I bob up, and down, on wordy waves, and wait for someone to find me. Eventually, the pages become taller, the waves, more violent. I look up, at the calm grey sky, only to find that it has erupted, in silent crashes of thunder and streaks of white light-ning. My world is turned upside down, and I lose the strawberry scent, that has carried me so far; like losing a lover, when you need one the most. I flail in the water, arms turning windmills and legs ripping paper as I plow through the waves. I make such little progress, and I am so tired after minutes, that I have little choice, but to stop my strenuous effort at battling the storm. I let myself go, and merely float, starfish-style. Legs and arms spread out around me on pages of meaningless print. I think "If this hair were longer it would fan out so prettily on the pages." Trivial thoughts, suiting to my state of nothing-ness. Droplets of water hit my face, small wet splashes, and then rolling sown my cheeks like salt-less tears. Making me aware of the world around me. I smile, and open my mouth, reveling in the sensation of raindrops hitting my tongue, which I have extended out into the air. I am in such a state of bliss, so out of it, at home in this position, that I fall asleep, and gently float under the waves, unconscious all the while.
I'm writing a research paper on homophobia in American schools. It's getting me all depressed. Blah. That's how I feel. I feel like a big sticky blob of something cold, wet and slimy is developing in my stomach and filling up my insides. Punishing me for caring. I should no way feel this miserable for making my classmates more aware; I should be frickin' elated. But I'm not.
Monday (tomorrow), which I am not dreading (too much) I am coming out, next week is my coming out week. And I will relish every moment of it. Making myself free. That is, of course, if I have time. Can't forget that I've been out sick for a week, and I have a ton of work to make up. In every class. That'll be a pain. Especially as I had two science labs that I had to make up anyhoo because I lost them. That's bound to be just dandy.