stars and nothing's picture

Flat. All the world flat as glass when I chance to raise my eyes. Our eyes meet and she looks so miserable, her eyes dark holes of sadness. It hollers and scrapes at my insides, at the base of my throat. But I can't speak, I've shut down all pathways of communication between us. My solution is to pretend she doesn't exist, stare straight ahead as though I am paralyzed. It is no disguise.

She looks at me, but what should I do? It only sends a volt of electric blue to my heart. Nothing. I am a Frankenstein monster who does not respond to your Gothic electricity.

(I miss the way she looked at me
Back when the world was new.)

I won't look her in the eye, I don't want to see all the pain I've caused. I am a coward and must hide like a coward--it is what we cowards do. The tension shakes me apart and I can feel my face burning... it undoes me. I wish I were anywhere, wish I were unaware. Wish I were unconscious at the bottom of the ocean somehwere. Drifting along in a miserable current, crawling where I belong with the blind creatures of the deep. Despicable...

We discussed this once, the inevitability of our break-up, and she said, "Emily, let's face it. You'll move on faster than me." I protested, denied it, but she stopped me. "You've never had any shortage of people vying for your attention, your affections."
But I still hate the endings of things. All endings.
I prefer to be the victim, it is a role I relish. I have perfected my Marilyn tears, my Fay Wray scream. I cannot be the perpetrator; what made me think I could wield that axe? Victims are generally given more healing time, more sympathy. I will have to make my own. But no matter, I will heal nonetheless.

I hurt everyone! I break every heart I touch! Misery sprouts like pale mushrooms in my destructive wake.

My skin crawls, I hate myself, and by extension I hate everyone else. All conversation, all attempts, sicken me, make me retch. I am wretched. They call me Ishtar, Ishtar. I get drunk. I send the world away and feast on the numbing blackness.

I bite my lips in my sleep, wake up to the taste of blood. I offer one-word explanations for the way things ended up.

I am as solitary as a scar...


Darkest Dream's picture

Side line to beauty and sadness

Another reminder of my girlfriend... She thinks she is always hurting everyone, and wears on her shoulders this intense pressure... just like you.

There are no reasons for you to feel guilty, because your feelings and your actions are part of who you are, and who you are isn't made to be ashamed of. In fact, you are your best ally. you can always count on yourself, and you live with yourself, for yourself. you may hurt people on the way, tear their hearts apart, but never, as long as you do it not in the purpose to hurt them, you'll be the responsible of their pain. Because everyone's hurt sometimes, everyone 's heart breaks... it makes it stronger and it makes it ready for the real world/love.

Just be sure that you don't hurt them too deep on one shot, be their healer at the same time. Show them how they'll be stronger, better.

don't wear that much pressure, it'll destroy you. Just like my Emilie, who always believes she's wrong...
>> Am I Souless or only Blinded by Darkness? <<

bulldyke's picture

stop telling yourself that

you remind me, also, of my girlfriend, who thinks that everything is her fault. but it's not. you can have room to cry, room to heal. but the healing will come. you are not an awful person. yes, you are in pain. but that doesn't mean that the world does not have joy, or that you can never have joy agian. give yourself some time, then let it drain away, and be happy agian. and understand that it will be alright. even though your heart aches, and your life seems bereft. you'll survive. we all do. everyone of us. and you even more so. live, and be strong.

"I can't even think straight!"
"Keep your laws off my body!"

beulah land's picture

it's break-up season, i think

it's break-up season, i think. but that doesn't make it any easier.
you know, i heard about you when i joined oasis. you were kind of an
online legend. so...i'm glad to see you writing. even under stupid circumstances.
i'm not the only "stellar writer" around here.

Barium's picture

Are you a poetess? You write

Are you a poetess? You write like one. Lots of Similes and metaphors for everything. Understandable but a complete mystery all at once. The "nochnie sniperi". It's a Russian phrase. Means "Night Sniper". I took the liberty to teach myself Russian.

Yours Truly,

P.S. Feel free to read my journal anytime :)