alright i need to get some stuff out. it's not a rant because im not mad bbut i dont have anwhere to turn to at this moment so i have to let it out here. carly isn't aonline right now. i just miss her so much. i wish she was there so i could find some refuge and just stop being strong for moment in time. i feel like i can open up and just be open with her. my friend danielle hasn't sent me an email in forever. i keep sending them but she won't return them. she has a boyfriend that is a total asshole and she wont leave his side. my world is ripping at the seems and she wont talk to me. last week my best friend found a girlfriend and now when she is around he wont talk to me. he ignores me and he pushes me away. i told him that all this stuff is happening: my sister is in the ICU and she is getting worse; my grandparents the ones on my mothers side, who wwere always there when my mom flipped out or when her boyfriends hit andbeat me, there falling closer to death and there in the hospital; my health is rapidly failing because i am sick. A month a go he told me he loved me and that he would always be there for me; now in the worst part of my life heis no where to be found. im loosing everybody i care about in my life. my life has been hard, but people have it alot worse than i do. i just wish that i could go somewhere; somewhere safe where bno one can hurt me, and cry and break down. do something that makes me feel even half alive. ive missed chances with people because i wasn't able to open up now when i do everyone runs right over me. my world keeps falling every time i try to build it up. i know there are people in this world that have unbearable pain that i will never know, but just getting this piece of reality has killed me it makes me wonder what others do to stay afloat. to them my life, spread with abuse and anger and greif, is a picnic. in this time in my life i feel that in some low level i can understand a piece of what they feel. i just wish i knew how to carry on like they do.