Can't move

aviva's picture

I can't seem to do anything... Okay, maybe it would be better to say I can't seem to do anything right. I keep fucking up coz I don't wanna try.

There's like a whole pile of work I have to do right now - SATs are next week saturday, and mock exams are like in a month, but I can't start working. I just stare at my books, and I can't move.

I think I'm scared. I'm doing it again - sabotaging myself: there's a part of me that wants me to fail, so that I'm not thrust on this path that others have predestined for me. Conformity, entering the system of college, job, marriage, children, pension, death = mediocre and ugly. My dream life would be just to disappear. Screw school, nothing they teach me is important: I'm only taught what will perpetuate the system anyway. They censor what we're allowed to learn. I'd like to disappear and travel the world - not first class or anything, just hitchiking and walking for miles and working menial jobs as I go. I wouldn't want to be rich, just rich with the beauty of the places I visit. I'd just want to write books that will never get published, learn languages, meet people, live, love, marry this wonderful woman I love (and have our families out of our hair) have wonderful sex, be free, and die without anybody really caring. I'm tired of life on this pedestal - always scared I'm gonna fall off and crack something. Really, I just want to be free of needing people to accept me, free of their judgements in my head - always hunting me down. I want to be free of people looking up to me too, as well as people loking down on me.

You know, I think I should post my true greatest fear on that forum I created. I'm scared to succeed - I know it sounds weird, but I'm petrified of it. I hate being good at stuff sometimes because it creates expectations in people's minds, and I know I'll fail when I try to do that well again. That's why no one will ever read my real poetry (except my girlfriend), because I can't take the fear of failure after success.

Ah!!! I'm mental.

I can't move - I feel so low/numb. Maybe I'm just lazy, but I can't start, I'm really scared of starting... Damn -I've been on the net for hours.


playerh8er007's picture

wow u must be my twin r sumth

wow u must be my twin r sumthin! haha... seriously i know wut u mean.. . datz exactly how i am.. specially cuz of always getting da 4.0 n awards n stuff when i wz younger... i set myself up and now im nothing and afraid of not being what i once was... so i sumtimes wont even try hard so that when i don't do as well as i wished i can be like oh well it's cuz i didn't try dat much anyways cha kno? wellpz i gotz ta be doin my hw sumtime soon..prolly wont happen but hey im trying to create a goal here =p .. dat or i'll end up cleaning or catching up on my ever so needed sleep hehe aight den L8!

Tjedza's picture

love love love love you

maybe you should stop hunting yourself down first.

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred"