Full fat

aviva's picture

I figured out what I want today, and wouldn't you know it, it wasn't complicated at all, just really simple actually. I was flipping through a friend's diary at school (she's a really happy person so she draws colourful butterflies, smiley faces etc and writes jokes throughout)and she's really in love (sickeningly so just like me), so her boyfriend's name was inscribed lovingly everywhere right alongside the butterflies and hearts...

Anyway, to cut a long story to a reasonable length, I realised that I want happiness. I want that sunshine and giggles. I want good love. I want good food. I want good friendships. I want passion and fun. Laughter and loudness...I'm tired of living my life in whispers. I don't want to live in anybody else's rules. I want to be free. I want good sex. Good tender-sweet kisses. And a bucket full of affection. I want to travel the world, learn dif cultures and languages, and fill myself up. I want to be FULL.

Oh how I relish that feeling of completion and comfort now; after the long dry season of sadness and eating disorders. I now love the word "Full fat" - how pretty. Selekta wants me to put on weight, for me to look the way I am -well loved. And why not?

I'm eating again for the first time in forever... and not just literally. I mean, I'm EATING. I'm eating her love, I'm growing, I'm feeding myself on the love I have for her - the love I never let myself feel. She always talks about providing for me in the future - but she doesn't know how she provides for me now. She's making me better... God, I didn't even know I was sick. Great, now I'm crying... Wait......... Okay, so now I'm eating the goodness of life - my friendships, the people who care about me. I am letting myself feel all this love slide down my throat. I'm finally happy. I know how good full is. This, this is satisfaction.

All of the things I want, she gives me... She is the source. She is so good. People underestimate the word good because they don't say it properly... they say it with disdain, sarcasm, or disappointment ie "Oh, so I'm just good? Not great?" People need to learn how to say it properly - g-o-o-d. One letter long of God. God made woman and he said that she was good. Hell yes! She was very good. Good is satisfying. Good is sufficient. It rolls off your tongue like yummy butter. It gives you that comfortable rush that you get from the best ever chocolate cake/cookie/icecream you've ever tasted! It is not bogged down with stupid hyperbole. It is warm like the hearth. It is so heartbreakingly beautiful, and it is far more than perfect will ever be. God, selekta isn't just perfect... everything about her is good for you. Everything about her makes you horny and makes your legs open. "You, you're good you!" Fuck, I wish you could see her: perfect ain't got shit on her... she's beyond that!!!!!!!

How can this be wrong? If anyone could see the way I am right now, they'd never think being gay was wrong...


Lit From Inside's picture


You write beautifully. You have wonderful ideas, and passion, and as my councelor would say, "The world needs people like you." People like you remind people like me that we have a purpose in life, and passion, and love, and beauty. Thank you.

KieBem81's picture

soooooooooooooooo cute :)!!!!!!!

its funny- i was thinking along these same lines last night and for the last few days -but you have put it in words so well that i dont have to now- im happy for you and your girl- and as far as my situation is concerned i dont know what we are but we are real close..almost too much to not say im madly in love.. but for now we both know and agreed friendship is best due to other constraints...

i will ttyl..good luck
cnn* :)

"If you love someone, tell them for hearts are often broken by words left unspoken"

1 in 3 women think of having sex or experimenting with other women

"Should I smile because we're friends or frown because thats all we'll ever be?"

cnn* :)

Tjedza's picture

beautiful stranger

hey, um i'm happy for you and your girl too ;)
the way you manipulate them words- its so seductive-
its so easy for you- you got such flow- but i dare you ro live your words...

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred"

tastetherainbow's picture

...adorable... simply put

i love the passion that you write with... you seem to be a very interestinq person, and for some reason, i aqree with you... not necessarily with selekta, but with my qirlfriend, its exactly the same way... she is perfect, beautiful inside and out, which is rather funny because even her flaws are complete perfection to me... you know, readinq this really made my day. thanks, and i am happy for the both of you...

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." - Robin Tyler